Perfectionism and Trauma: 5 Ways Perfectionism Is Getting in the Way of Healing (And What to Do Instead)
If you’ve working through recovery, whether from trauma, an eating disorder, or years of feeling like you had to hold it all together, there’s a good chance you’ve bumped into perfectionism. Excessive perfectionism can lead to chronic stress and negative health outcomes, including eating disorders.
Not the kind that just wants a neat planner or matching file folders (but gosh, those are nice too!). But, the kind that whispers:
You’re not allowed to rest.
You should be further along by now.
You’re probably doing healing wrong.
Perfectionism isn’t a personality quirk.
It’s a deeply learned survival strategy, especially for those of us who grew up needing to be “easy,” hyper-independent, or emotionally self-contained just to stay safe. The social reaction model describes how perfectionism develops as a coping mechanism in response to adverse childhood experiences, aiming to gain love and acceptance.
And while it might have helped you function in the chaos, in healing, it often can get in the way.
Understanding what perfectionism is, and how it operates behind the scenes, can be essential to healing. Excessive perfectionism, especially when rooted in trauma, can contribute to chronic stress and the development of eating disorders.
Let’s break down five specific ways perfectionism blocks recovery, plus what you can actually do about it.
What is Maladaptive Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism isn’t about having high standards or wanting to do well. Perfectionist traits often develop in response to such environments, where children may strive for extremely high standards to gain approval and external validation.
It’s about a part of you that learned: If I do everything right, maybe I’ll be safe. Maybe I’ll be loved. Maybe I won’t be abandoned. That being perfect is the only way to avoid harm, rejection, or shame.
Perfectionism often functions as a protector part. It manages risk, prevents vulnerability, and tries to keep old wounds from being touched. Deep feelings of shame, guilt, or worthlessness can drive the need for perfection.
But in recovery, especially in somatic therapy, EMDR, or parts-based work, it can become a barrier instead of a shield.
Understanding what perfectionism is, and how it operates behind the scenes, can essential to healing. This includes recognizing the difference between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism: while adaptive perfectionism can be a positive trait, maladaptive forms are linked to psychological distress. Adaptive perfectionism involves setting high standards without negative emotional consequences, whereas maladaptive perfectionism is associated with anxiety, depression, and self-criticism.
Here’s how it tends to show up:
The Impact of Childhood Trauma on Perfectionism
Childhood trauma can leave deep marks that shape how we relate to ourselves and the world, often laying the groundwork for maladaptive perfectionism. When you grow up in an environment where love, safety, or approval felt conditional, striving for perfection can become a powerful coping mechanism. It’s a way to manage the unpredictable—if you can just do everything “right,” maybe you can avoid pain or rejection.
Research suggests that these early experiences can influence individual personality traits, including self-oriented perfectionism, where the drive to meet unrealistic expectations is turned inward. This relentless pursuit of flawlessness may have helped you survive emotionally difficult times, but over time, it can fuel anxiety disorders, depressive symptoms, and a constant sense of not being enough.
The perfectionism social disconnection model highlights how perfectionistic tendencies can also create distance from others. By focusing on achieving perfection, you may avoid vulnerability and emotional intimacy—especially if connection once felt unsafe. This can make it even harder to heal, as isolation and self-criticism reinforce negative feelings and mental health struggles.
Understanding the roots of your perfectionism in childhood trauma is a powerful step. It allows you to see these patterns not as personal failings, but as learned responses to difficult circumstances. With this awareness, you can begin to set more realistic expectations for yourself and practice self-compassion, gently challenging the old belief that you must be perfect to be safe or loved.
1. Perfectionism Confuses 'Progress' With Control and Sets Unrealistic Expectations
What it looks like:
You track your healing like a checklist: No panic attacks = progress. Binge-free = success. (You might find this helpful: Why Calm Isn't the Only Sign of Healing, which unpacks what true regulation looks like beyond stillness.)
You shame yourself when symptoms resurface.
You assume you're failing if you "go backward."
What’s actually happening: This part of you equates control with safety. It monitors your recovery for signs of mastery, but trauma healing doesn’t work that way. It’s not linear, and it’s not a test. Progress often looks like revisiting familiar pain with more capacity, not less pain overall. The healing journey is a learning process, where mistakes and setbacks are natural and necessary for growth.
What to do instead:
Track nervous system capacity, not just symptoms.
Use reflection tools like a Micro-Moment Tracker to note when you stayed present, noticed a pattern, or made a new choice.
Normalize spirals: looping back around is often a sign your system trusts you with deeper healing. It means you now have more capacity to process what once overwhelmed you, and that your nervous system is inviting you to integrate the next layer rather than avoid it. Revisiting something doesn’t mean you’re stuck, it means your system is still working, still healing, still moving.
2. Perfectionism Keeps You in Performance Mode in Therapy
What it looks like:
You intellectualize instead of feel.
You try to bring the "right" things to sessions.
You avoid showing the parts of you that feel ashamed, scared, or overwhelmed.
What’s actually happening: Perfectionism is often fused with high-functioning anxiety and complex PTSD symptoms. A part of you believes it’s safer to be impressive than honest. Socially prescribed perfectionism can create intense pressure to meet perceived expectations in therapy, leading you to hide your perceived imperfections.
But this keeps the deeper, more vulnerable material from being accessed or processed.
What to do instead:
Notice when you're performing healing versus experiencing it.
Practice saying, "There's something I’m scared to bring in. Can we go slow?"
Remember: your value in therapy isn’t based on insight. It’s based on your willingness to show up.
3. Perfectionism Blocks Affect Tolerance
What it looks like:
You avoid strong feelings by staying busy or in control.
You feel ashamed or flooded when emotions surface.
You believe that feeling dysregulated means something’s wrong.
What’s actually happening: Your system likely developed a phobic relationship to emotion. Perfectionism stepped in to help you manage that overwhelm, but now it prevents you from accessing your full emotional range.
Negative emotions and psychological distress are common outcomes of this dynamic, and the ongoing effort to manage or suppress these feelings can lead to emotional exhaustion.
What to do instead:
Build emotional capacity with somatic therapy tools: name the feeling, locate it in your body, then return to a grounded anchor.
Practice somatic titration: track a body sensation for 10 seconds, then regulate.
Let feeling be data, not danger.
4. Perfectionism Blocks You From Rest and Regulation
What it looks like:
You feel guilty when you rest.
You over-identify with doing. Recovery feels like a task list.
You assume regulation = staying calm 100% of the time.
What’s actually happening: Many trauma survivors associate stillness with threat. If your early environment was chaotic, movement may have become your default regulation strategy. Rest now feels exposed.
For many, this is because prolonged exposure to chaotic or unsafe environments in childhood made rest feel unsafe or threatening.
What to do instead:
Redefine what nervous system regulation actually means: staying connected to yourself—not forcing calm.
Try 30-second stillness practices: feel your feet, place a hand on your chest, take one conscious breath.
Build a tolerance for rest the same way you would for any exposure practice: slowly, and with compassion.
5. Perfectionism Delays Grief Work
What it looks like:
You minimize your losses or pain: “It wasn’t that bad.”
You push through instead of slowing down.
You avoid naming the grief underneath the behaviors.
What’s actually happening: Grief is a non-performative process. It requires emotional vulnerability and deep internal permission. Perfectionism resists that. It wants a clean exit ramp instead of an unfolding process.
Unprocessed grief and perfectionistic avoidance can contribute to the development of affective disorders and other mental disorders, increasing the risk of long-term psychological impacts. (Want to read more about Grief? Head here.)
What to do instead:
Identify where grief is showing up: in your body, your story, your silence.
Create space for grief rituals: writing, movement, sound, or simply naming what was lost.
Let someone witness it with you. Grief metabolized in relationship is what transforms it.
Navigating Relationships and Perfectionism
Perfectionism doesn’t just affect how you see yourself—it can also shape your relationships in profound ways. When you hold yourself to unrealistic standards or are overly self-critical, it’s easy to fall into patterns of self-blame and low self-esteem. These negative feelings can make it difficult to open up, trust, or feel truly connected to others.
Maladaptive perfectionism often leads to a fear of making mistakes in front of loved ones, or a belief that you must always be “enough” to deserve care. This can create distance, as you may hide your perceived flaws or avoid vulnerability altogether. Over time, this self-criticism and emotional guardedness can impact your well-being and make it harder to build healthy, supportive relationships.
The antidote? Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that perfection is not a prerequisite for love or acceptance. Allow yourself to be human—mistakes and all. Developing realistic expectations, both for yourself and others, can help you break free from the cycle of self-blame and perfectionistic tendencies. And remember, seeking valuable insights from friends, family, or a therapist can offer new perspectives and support as you work toward more authentic, connected relationships.
The Role of Support Systems in Overcoming Perfectionism
You don’t have to tackle maladaptive perfectionism alone. In fact, support systems are often the key to breaking free from perfectionistic tendencies and building a healthier relationship with yourself. Whether it’s reaching out to a therapist, joining a support group, or leaning on trusted friends and family, having people in your corner can make all the difference.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a proven approach for addressing perfectionism, helping you identify and challenge the negative thought patterns that drive unrealistic expectations. Alongside therapy, practicing mindfulness and self-compassion can help you develop a more accepting and balanced view of yourself, reducing the constant pressure to be perfect.
It’s also important to recognize the role of cultural factors—societal messages about achievement and worthiness can reinforce perfectionistic beliefs. By becoming more aware of these influences, you can start to set your own standards and create an environment that supports your well-being.
Remember, overcoming maladaptive perfectionism is a process, not a quick fix. Surround yourself with positive, understanding people, and give yourself permission to grow at your own pace. With the right support, you can move toward more realistic expectations and a greater sense of self-acceptance.
If you’re here, we want you to know that we deeply respect that perfectionism likely helped you survive (we can 100% relate!!).
Healing perfectionism is possible with therapy for perfectionism.
Meet the Reclaim Therapy team! Specializing in trauma recovery, somatic therapy, and eating disorder healing.
It gave you structure when things felt chaotic, and a sense of control when the world didn’t feel safe. But if it’s now keeping you from accessing support, from feeling your feelings, or from trusting your own pace, you get to choose something different.
Healing asks for presence, not perfection.
Noticing, not performing.
Gentleness, not mastery.
You don’t have to get this right to move forward. You just have to be willing to meet yourself where you are, and take the next small step from there.
If you’re looking for support as you explore recovery from perfectionism, trauma or disordered eating, or through EMDR Therapy in Horsham, PA we would be honored to support you.
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