Reclaim You- Breaking Up With Your Therapist
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This conversation with Sarah and Abby explore the challenges and emotions involved in ending a therapeutic relationship.
Sarah and Abby discuss the how, at times, ending your relationship with your therapist can be intense and share discomfort associated with the terminology used to describe the process. They share personal experiences of parting ways with therapists and offer insights into navigating these transitions including the fear of termination sessions and the people-pleaser dilemma.
They emphasize the importance (on the therapist's side) of creating a safe space for open communication and provide suggestions for different ways to end a therapist relationship. They discuss recognizing patterns in ending relationships and the possibility of shifting and transforming therapeutic relationships. The fear of finding another therapist is addressed, and the hosts encourage embracing the awkwardness of therapy as a means of growth and self-discovery.
Takeaways
Ending a therapeutic relationship can be intense and uncomfortable, but it is a normal part of the therapeutic process.
The terminology used to describe ending a therapy relationship, such as 'termination,' can feel intimidating and intense.
There are various reasons for parting ways with a therapist, including logistical issues, a lack of fit, or personal growth.
It is important to create a safe space for open communication and to be honest about one's needs and concerns in the therapeutic relationship.
Ending a therapy relationship does not necessarily mean the end of therapy altogether; it can involve shifting or transforming the therapeutic dynamic.
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To learn more about Reclaim Therapy and how to work with a therapist on the team, head to www.reclaimtherapy.org.
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[00:01] Sarah: Hi, there. Welcome to reclaim you, a podcast published by the reclaim therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack. And get cozy, because we're about to dive in. Hey, everyone.
[00:20] Sarah: Welcome back to reclaim you. Abby and I are here today, and we're talking about how to break up with your therapist.
[00:31] Abby: Even when you say that, my stomach starts to do all these funny things from the client perspective. Like me as a client, I don't know. It makes me super anxious. So even just talking about that or even hearing you say that, I'm like, I don't know.
[00:49] Sarah: Feels fine. It does. And even we were talking before we hit record about just the words breaking up with your therapist. It's intense. But the other words that were taught in school are perhaps more intense, equally as intense. I don't know.
[01:04] Abby: Yeah. We learn in school that when therapy relationship ends, technically, the process is called termination. And, I mean, I remember even anyone teaching that. Or when we read about it, there's always the caveat of, like, this term is really intense. And maybe sometimes that equals the intensity of the experience. However often in my experience, I mean, at least personally, in sort of parting ways with a therapist, it hasn't been that level of intensity of termination. What an intensity?
[01:41] Sarah: Yeah. I'm thinking about the marker in our medical record system, we mark people active and inactive that might feel a little better. Like, this relationship is inactive.
[01:50] Abby: Yeah. Or, like, on pause or. I don't know. There's got to be some other language, too. I like part ways.
[02:00] Sarah: Part ways.
[02:01] Abby: Part ways, because breakup, too. You think of whether it be romantic relationship, breakup, a friend breakup. It's like break up. How intense is that? It is intense. Yeah. Part ways. Part ways feels a little bit smoother.
[02:18] Sarah: Yeah. And even part ways honors the legacy of the relationship, whether it's like a long relationship or a short relationship or a very short relationship. Right. There could still be some legacy to that relationship that carries on and there's room for.
[02:36] Abby: As with breakups or termination, I guess. I don't know. Part ways kind of gives this. It feels like the door is always open, which is the case for us as therapists. Like, our door is open. And if we ever want to reconnect, that's always a possibility.
[02:50] Sarah: Yeah. Within our control.
[02:52] Abby: Right. So true.
[02:54] Sarah: Yes, absolutely. So I'm curious for you, and I can share my experiences, too, about pausing relationships. Or maybe there have been some therapy breakups for you. The intensity of it. But how has that looked for you? How do you navigate that?
[03:09] Abby: Yeah, I've had, personally, a few different experiences parting ways with therapists. Let's see. One instance where logistically, I wasn't able to make things happen. So more like financial insurance, those pieces weren't in place for me to continue the relationship. And so that felt really, at least for me, easier because there was this tangible barrier that stood in the way. And similarly, I think there was an experience of I was moving, and we just couldn't continue to work together for that reason. So those experiences, while challenging, because for one of those therapists I had a really strong relationship with. And so even though there was, like a logistic reason for me needing to part ways, easy in that sense of easy to communicate, why more challenging because of the relationship that we had, I can speak more to what that process was like in honoring the relationship and reflecting back and all of that good stuff. Let me think. Yeah, those are the two logistical ones. There was one therapist that I worked with for a short time, and we tell this to all clients, friends, whomever, that finding the right therapist can take a lot of time, and it can require multiple meetings with different therapists to vibe check. Is this vibe check one that I can see myself working with? Do I feel like they get it? So ultimately, I started to work with this one therapist, and it was fine. However, I didn't really feel like I could be my full self, but I continued to give it a try. And maybe it just, like with any relationship, being able to be open and vulnerable does take time. So there was that happening in the back of my mind. Maybe this is just something that's taking a little bit more time. And then there were certain things that that therapist was saying that I didn't necessarily, for lack of a better word, agree with. It felt like there were some strong differences in our values, which maybe shouldn't have been coming up. And it wasn't a fit. Let's just put it that way. We were not a fit. The vibe was no longer. It was not there. It was not there. And there was, like, just one moment in particular where I felt, this isn't working for me. And it doesn't mean that this person is a bad person. It doesn't mean this therapist is a bad therapist. It simply means we're just not a fit. And so that was harder for me because there wasn't that tangible, logistical reason of maybe finances or insurance or I'm moving. It really was a fit question. And so there were all these thoughts dancing around in my head of, do I say that? Do I share that? Do we try to work it out? But I felt pretty strongly with it in myself that this really isn't a fit. And I don't really feel the need to work it out or talk about how I'm feeling about this. And so just very transparently, I emailed her to say, hey, I don't think that this is something that I want to continue with at this time. Thank you so much. If it's okay with you, perhaps I'll be in touch in the future. Again, the doors open. And that was that. And she was super lovely in her response. Very understanding. And we parted ways.
[06:53] Sarah: And you parted ways.
[06:55] Abby: Intensity wasn't as intense as I had anticipated it. I was really anxious that, I don't know, would there be questions or would I need to explain myself?
[07:07] Sarah: Would there be like a demand for a termination session?
[07:11] Abby: Yeah. And it felt really nice to just. I want to compare it to dating. I feel like a lot of us can imagine with perhaps dates, you try it out a few times and again you're giving it some time and it's just things are just not clicking again. Not a fault of that person, not a fault of ourselves. It's just not a fit. And so in the dating world, I also think it's more than fair to just maybe send a text like, hey, in whatever way you want to say it, this is just no longer working for me. And so wishing you the best. And hopefully, just as I received sort of this receptive, kind response, that's the hope.
[07:48] Sarah: Yeah, I love that. I love that. It was like a positive experience for you. And I would imagine, at least for me, the people pleaser stuff comes up really strong when ending relationships of any kind, but particularly with therapists and overthinking all of the things, but maybe staying for myself, maybe staying in therapeutic relationships for too long because of not knowing how to say this is no longer working for me. That just to say, if anyone listening has experienced that, is experiencing that, we get it right. We probably have experienced similar things in our own relationships with therapists and other type of practitioners and things like that. But it's really hard to worry about, like, will this person make meaning of this and think that our relationship wasn't valuable or think that I don't like them or something? We can go into the great abyss of making meaning about this, but it's hard to end relationships, especially when someone's held a lot of your vulnerable stuff. And maybe it worked for you in one season of your life and in this season of your life, it just isn't it. And it's not like a character flaw. It could just be that you need something different. So I've done similar things of emailing and saying, I'm going to pause for now and see where life leads me and just kind of leaving it there. And honestly, I've ghosted someone before. I totally where it didn't feel safe enough to even email and say, I'm going to pause or, this isn't working for me or whatever it is. So it's all super valid.
[09:28] Abby: Yeah. And I imagine when, let's say, the therapy relationship is going on, like, for example, the relationship that I had with that therapist that I parted ways with, it wasn't a long term relationship. So that allowed me to feel like certainly the people pleaser was angsty, was right there with me, very present, worried about how might this land for the other person. Oh, my goodness. And almost so much so where I was like, let me just give it another try, and maybe that would just continue to happen. I was able to pause that and say, but actually, I know there's something in my heart of hearts that this is just not working right now. But I do imagine if you're in a longer therapy relationship with a provider, it gets harder and harder, maybe for some because of all that you've maybe shared with that person, all that they're holding. Yeah. There's just so much nuance to really ending any relationship, but especially one that is so intimate. And so, again, ideally in therapy, there is that vulnerability that maybe you don't have with just anyone in your life. And so there's something really different about parting ways with that person.
[10:46] Sarah: Absolutely. And it feels important to say, like, there's no right or wrong way. Right. There's no right or wrong way. And I think we can speak on the therapist side, to be a therapist and to have people move on to part ways, to pause, to ghost. Whatever it is, we get it. And I'll speak on behalf of all of us in our practice. We hope that we can create the space in the environment where people can be open to say whatever it is that they need to say, even if it's just like, I'm not coming anymore and whatever, or you said this thing and it's really impacted me. So I think that I'm going to terminate the relationship to acknowledge that's really hard. And we hope to create the experience and the environment where that's possible for people. To navigate really difficult conversations. Yeah.
[11:31] Abby: There is no right or wrong. These relationships are so nuanced. And therefore, communicating that this is no longer working is really challenging for many reasons. And, yeah, I think I can speak for all of us, too. We welcome, really all of it because we get it. And I mean, you mentioned something before of demanding. Maybe some have had the experience of, oh, you're wanting to part ways. You're wanting to pause. We really need to have a session to wrap things up and talk about our relationship and all these things. And I'm just imagining if my therapist at the time had said that in response to my email of, like, I need to pause, that would have been really anxiety provoking for me because again, the people pleaser would have maybe said, okay, but really not sure, like, what.
[12:29] Sarah: Time I'll be there. Yeah.
[12:34] Abby: And it just felt really freeing to be able to make the choice to leave something that was not serving me and have that be respected, like, trusting.
[12:45] Sarah: Yourself enough to make that decision and having that held, respected and honored. Absolutely.
[12:50] Abby: Yeah. So I think I know that from the therapist side. If something's not working for someone and they want to pause or they want to part ways or they want to take a break, we're like, absolutely. We honor all of it. And maybe we'll extend the invitation of, like, if you want to talk about it, we're here, but it's an invitation. That's all that is. And I feel like that's really important because, again, the choice is always yours. If something's not serving, you can leave that. Yeah, it felt important when you said that because it can feel really uncomfortable and awkward to have to rehash all the stuff that maybe you didn't love about the therapy relationship or about the therapy itself. And again, I always go back to, like, maybe it has nothing to do with the people involved. It's just, again, we're not a fit. And that's okay. We can't be a fit for everyone. And I kind of always go back to friendships and dating. If we were for everyone in the friendship scene or in the dating scene, I can't even imagine.
[13:58] Sarah: It just feels overwhelming to be the.
[14:00] Abby: Case in dating and friendships. It's harder in this space when it feels like it's not a fit.
[14:05] Sarah: Yeah, it sure is. And I feel like there are so many options. Right. The options are, and I'll probably miss some. So feel free to fill in the gaps. You could ghost somebody. That's certainly an option. Like, you have every right to ghost someone if you so choose right. We could go into the dynamics around it, but we won't. It's an option, right? To just be like, okay, I'm just not going to email. I'm not going to reschedule. I'm not going to. Whatever option. Sure. There's also talking about it in session, saying, if you are able to do this, this is something I struggle with. I'm working on it. Right. This isn't feeling like it's a fit and I really want to shift and try something different. Or do you have recommendations for someone who I could see for X, Y and Z or just like, I feel like our work is done. Right. You could also email. Email is perfectly acceptable to say whatever it is that you need to say. Texting. Right. Anything is fine. I guess that's the summary of all of this is anything is fine. Really? Anything.
[14:59] Abby: Yeah. The options are kind of endless, it feels like. As to how you can part ways with a therapist. And one thing I was thinking about, as you were talking about the different ways when you were mentioning, we could talk about this or find a better fit, there might also be the case. It may be the case that it's like, no, I actually really do feel a connection with this person, but I don't love the direction we're going in.
[15:26] Sarah: Yes.
[15:27] Abby: And I can picture myself in certain situations. Maybe there'd be a part of me that's like, I feel this connection, but I don't love the direction we're going in. Bounce. I'm out. I'm done. There's no way to talk about this. So I'm done. And I guess another invitation. This is way easier said than done, but that feels like a really important opportunity to bring that in to the extent that it's comfortable. I really appreciate X, Y and Z about our work, and I feel a strong connection to you. I feel like I can be open and vulnerable or whatever the case may be. And also, we've been working in this way for some time, and maybe initially I thought it was the direction I wanted to go in. But can we maybe reassess, can we pause and reassess what it is that we're doing? I know that I. And again, I think I can speak for all of us. We strive to work really collaboratively. This is our clients time. And so if there is ever this sense that, no, this feels like a fit, but something's off right now, what a powerful opportunity. And also how hard that is to break myself. Like, it's so hard because for me, what comes up is how will this person feel? Are they going to feel like they're doing a terrible job? Oh, my goodness. What am I going to stir up within them? Or am I being too much? Am I asking for too much? Or maybe some. There might be other questions that come up for folks when they think of this.
[17:05] Sarah: Yeah, totally. And I think from therapy side, maybe not all the time, but often when it's time to part ways, there's this kind of intuitive knowing, especially with clients who I've been working with for a really long time and I've seen through different seasons of life. Even if we're going to pause or part ways or whatever. Right. It's kind of like this, knowing that, yeah, you're right, it is. And that's okay. Not that the relationship isn't valid and meaningful for both parties, for therapist and client, it can still be okay to just take a little break.
[17:43] Abby: Yeah. And I feel like my mind is going in the direction of the opposite situation. Let's say I feel like I'm in a really good place, or the intentions that I've set for myself in this therapy work I've kind of met in some ways, or I feel like I'm really just like, smooth sailing. Like, things are good, but I don't want to lose this relationship. I don't want to leave. And I felt that in one of my therapy relationships. And I imagine this to be true for others as well. Like, oh, wait, I feel like I'm kind of in this good place. But does that mean that we have to part ways? Does that mean that I have to leave? My answer is no. With my therapist that I have such a strong relationship with. We've had so many iterations of therapy, and there was a time where maybe we saw each other less frequently. Maybe there was a time that we were seeing each other just as frequently, but like maybe talking about totally different things than I had been talking about whatever, months, whatever ago. So that just came to my mind that, well, what if I get better quotes, recover quotes? Like, hit my goals quotes, quotes. Does that mean I need to lose this relationship? There's a lot in that. And so I guess the answer is like, no, you don't have. Perhaps you don't have to.
[19:09] Sarah: Yeah. And maybe parting ways does look like just shifting lanes, right? I guess that's not parting ways. That's like joining and shifting into a different thing about highways, right? Like you're on this highway of working towards these goals, and sometimes you do. You shift down to seeing someone biweekly monthly for a little while, until life starts getting lifey and you feel like you need more support. Right. The relationship doesn't always have to end. It can shift and transform and shape shift over time into what you needed to see. And maybe you go and try somebody else, right? Try a different style. You do an EMDR intensive. You, I don't know, go on a retreat or something, and then you come back, there's that door being always open, and you pick up at this different spot in your life and trust and know that this relationship can hold all of it.
[19:57] Abby: Flexibility feels really calming to me. Initially when we said, like, breaking up with our therapist, terminating with our therapist, and I felt all those jumbly feelings. Now it's like there's flexibility, like there's no right or wrong. Things don't have to necessarily terminate. They can just shift. And we can always change our minds, too. I feel like that's a really powerful reminder that I have to offer up to myself a lot. And I guess if you're considering, oh, I'm wondering if I should break up with my therapist, part ways with my therapist. I feel like that's an important time if you have other support people to run it by them to see. Here's what I'm thinking. What do you think? Not that we need to have other people tell us what to do, but I know for myself I really needed a processor because it's interesting, right? Some people's main processors are therapists. And so if you're struggling in your relationship with your therapist, who do you talk to about? Who do you talk to? That can be really challenging. So I guess if there are other support people in your life, whether professionally, personally, might be worth looping them in, too, because how tricky is that when the person maybe you talk to about all the things feels really hard to talk about this one thing.
[21:17] Sarah: Yeah. And I was just thinking about the patterns that we can sometimes notice within ourselves, even playing out in taking a break or ending relationships. Right. When things get real, when things get really vulnerable. And maybe you're entering into a different phase of working with your therapist and it starts to feel uncomfortable because you're experiencing things maybe you haven't experienced before, like a new level of vulnerability, or you're opening up doors that are like, oh, my gosh, I knew this was here. And I don't know if I'm ready to face this. So I'm just going to bounce. I'm going to go talk about fight or flight.
[21:58] Abby: I'm going to run.
[21:59] Sarah: I'm going to ghost. Like, I'm done, right? I get it, because I've done that. So being able to just be really curious with yourself and your impulse to not respond or to just completely ghost or whatever it is, is this a familiar pattern in some way? And just being really curious about that, does this feel really safe to do? Because it feels so hard to be even more vulnerable in the fact that this isn't working for me or whatever it is. So it could be a little invitation for yourself internally to say, does this feel familiar? Am I engaging in a pattern that I may have engaged in in the past, and what do I want to do with that? Maybe you want to follow through with ghosting or shutting the door on the relationship. That's okay. But can it also be an invitation for you to get curious about the way that your system is working, the way that attachment is showing up in these moments, it can be really powerful just to be curious about those things.
[22:55] Abby: And I almost wonder if that for those of us who do struggle to bring up what's happening in our relationship into the room for a lot of different reasons, I wonder if that's, like, an interesting entry point of, like, okay, we've been talking about my patterns in these ways in relationships. Again, even saying it, it's really challenging, but in some way, shape or form, can we talk about our relationship? And there can be something so powerful about that, talking about how it feels to be in relationship with someone, with that person. And I feel like there's so many people in our lives that maybe we don't feel comfortable, safe, ready to do that with. It's just really weird, awkward. If there's any space to do that in the therapy relationship, it can be really powerful. And again, it's really hard. So it's also okay if that doesn't happen. But that's what that all just made me think about when we're thinking about our relationship patterns, how interesting it can be to talk about the relationship.
[24:03] Sarah: Totally. And I think for me, as a therapist, I try to keep this in mind, right? Because these are such hard conversations. This whole conversation is talking about how hard this is, right? I try to keep that in mind and working with folks and checking in. Did I just really **** you off? Like, when I can sense I said something that ****** someone off? So that we can engage in these types of conversations outside of just changing course or taking a break or parting ways, checking in of, how is this feeling? What do you need more from me? What do you need less from me? But that's something that I often do to try to normalize the conversation a little bit more. To say, we can engage in these repair processes throughout so that when or if you feel ready to move on or if something's not working, we have a platform in which we can operate from. It doesn't have to be so abrupt.
[24:58] Abby: Yeah. Those types of conversations can then ripple out, maybe to other relationships in our lives as well. To be able to have that reparative conversation. I don't know, there's something really that maybe can be really healing about that. Like, oh, I can just tell someone what you just said to me. I didn't love that hit a nerve within me. And to be able to share that and maybe have that person right. Ideally, in the therapy relationship of all relationships, we can hear that and talk about it again, an opportunity and really hard. Really hard. I'm still working on it.
[25:47] Sarah: Right, same. And back to the fact that you can trust yourself. You can trust yourself if things aren't feeling the way that you want them to feel. And hopefully you have a foundation of a relationship with your therapist that you can start to address that and come up with a game plan of what's going to work and what's going to feel better, whether that's staying in the relationship or finding a different relationship or just like, going without for a little while, because that's also super valid.
[26:13] Abby: And I also just thought that there might be, for some, this fear or worry and really valid worry of, okay, well, if I part ways with this therapist, will I be able to find another one? And then also I'm going to have to start over with my story and all the things. So very valid, so real. And I guess while this isn't, like, 100% foolproof solution, that could also be a conversation around, okay, if this isn't a fit, what might more of a fit look like in therapy? Do I want someone more directive? Do I want someone who's going to give me homework? There's all these different things, and maybe this person's style is just not that. Maybe it's like, okay, I'm continuing to work with this therapist as I continue to do research for, I don't know, these are just options, I guess. Or again, like you said earlier in the conversation, asking for referrals. But that would make a lot of sense to me, that that would be a big concern when thinking about probing ways.
[27:14] Sarah: Any other thoughts to close this out?
[27:15] Abby: A thought that I'm having is that life is awkward and therefore therapy is awkward.
[27:21] Sarah: Yes.
[27:22] Abby: Awkward it is. Can awkward be okay? I feel like we shy away from we. I say we because I shy away from awkwardness. As if life can just be, like, totally calm, cool, collected all the time. It's just so not that way. We're just like, awkward human beings. And that's cool. Awkward can be cool too. And therapy can be super awkward. And I guess this is nothing profound, but that's okay. Goodbyes are awkward. Parting ways is awkward.
[27:54] Sarah: Maybe we coming back is awkward.
[27:56] Abby: Maybe we just challenge ourselves to embrace the awkwardness is my last thought. I want to challenge myself to embrace more awkwardness.
[28:07] Sarah: I'm with you. It's a solid challenge. All right, everyone, if you want to hear more about this or have any questions about this, we're happy to follow up on the podcast or on Instagram or wherever. So, yeah, let us know. Well, thank you.
[28:19] Abby: This was fun. Fun to talk about. Awkward and fun.
[28:22] Sarah: Awkward and fun. That's what we're all about. Yeah. All right, everyone, we'll be back next week for another episode. And until then, take good care.
[28:31] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of reclaim you. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at reclaim you. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma, disordered eating or body image concerns, head over to our website@www.reclaimtherapy.org, to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself. Our.
Reclaim therapy provides therapy in Horsham, PA for Eating Disorders, Trauma and Childhood Trauma.
We also provide online EMDR Therapy along with in-person EMDR in our Horsham, PA offices.
We’re passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from the impact of trauma, diet culture and body shame.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.