Reclaim You- Exploring Trauma and Adult Children of Alcoholics
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In this conversation, Sarah and Abby discuss the experiences of adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) and the impact of childhood trauma. They explore related terms and labels, such as codependency and Al-Anon, and address the question of whether the trauma experienced by ACOAs is severe enough. The conversation dives into the three components of complex trauma: too much too soon, too much for too long, and too little for too long. Abby emphasizes the importance of recognizing the impact of childhood trauma and offers hope for healing through support and therapy.
Takeaways
Adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) may have experienced childhood trauma that has lasting impacts on their lives.
Related terms and labels, such as codependency and Al-Anon, can help individuals identify and understand their experiences.
The severity of childhood trauma experienced by ACOAs may be questioned due to societal normalization of drinking and the silencing and shame often associated with addiction.
Complex trauma, characterized by repeated exposure to emotionally overwhelming experiences, can result in long-term effects on the nervous system and self-beliefs.
Experiences of too much too soon, too much for too long, and too little for too long are common among ACOAs and contribute to the trauma they experience.
There is hope for healing and support through therapy, support groups, and individual exploration of healing modalities.
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[00:01] Sarah: Hi there. Welcome to reclaim you, a podcast published by the reclaim therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy, because we're about to dive in.
[00:19] Sarah: Hey, everyone. Welcome back to reclaim you. Abby's here today, and we're talking about something a little bit different than we have in the past, but still quite connected to trauma. Hey, Abby.
[00:30] Abby: Yeah, I'm excited to talk about this today.
[00:32] Sarah: Yeah.
[00:33] Sarah: So Abby is kind of opening up a new specialization in the practice and that's working with adult children of alcoholics and all of the things that folk who have experienced that might be struggling with. So, yeah, I'm so excited to share a little bit more about this and the cool work that you're doing.
[00:53] Abby: Yeah, yeah. Thanks so much for introing it. Yeah, actually, when you said adult children of alcoholics, it made my brain go immediately to where that term comes from. So twelve step programs that are very. People may be really familiar with twelve step programs when they think of Alcoholics Anonymous, narcotics Anonymous, all of those anonymous groups. This term stems from that twelve step lingo. And it's sort of a phrase, I guess it's a phrase, a label, a name that some people are really familiar with and maybe you've never heard of it before. And I think it's just helpful sometimes to have those names, labels, if you want to call them that, to be like, oh, wait a second. If you are. If this is someone's experience, like, oh, I am the adult child of an alcoholic or an addict or whomever, it can be really helpful for some to have that name to say, oh, that's interesting. So then, therefore, that might mean I have certain experiences or certain things that are true to me because of what I've gone through growing up in my childhood and beyond. So, yeah, that just immediately popped into my mind as a place to start. Like, where does that name come from and why do we have it?
[02:11] Sarah: I'm curious if there are other kind of, like, labels or terms that folks also might be familiar with or have maybe heard things on social media or the Internet if they haven't maybe heard of adult children of alcoholics in that term.
[02:25] Abby: Yeah. So some terms that are coming to mind for me right now, like, I know the term codependency is one that a lot people use when they think of, maybe not even when they think of, like, people who have addiction within their family system, but I mean, that term can be applied to so many things. I've heard it said and thrown around a lot. So, you know, there's even groups out there called, like, I think it's called codependent anonymous. Codependent's anonymous. So codependency is one that comes up a lot in this sort of circle or in this twelve step program lingo. So like other groups that folks might be familiar with, Al Anon, that's a group within that space that's really meant to serve individuals who are in the present moment living with someone who's struggling with substance use, like alcoholism, addiction. So Al Anon might be a familiar name label group that comes up. Allotine is a group for teens who are living with family members who are struggling with substance abuse. Alcoholism, addiction. So those are some words.
[03:33] Sarah: Yeah.
[03:33] Abby: Adult children of alcoholics, I found just sort of from my own lived experience and also like professional research, if you will, that distinction. Sort of adult children of alcoholics versus perhaps people who are attending Al Anon. It feels important to me at least because there may be overlap but also distinct experiences. So if you're an adult child of an alcoholic or an addict, you may have pretty specific childhood, early childhood experiences that perhaps have impacted you in significant ways that continue to show up in your day to day life, which we can get into. And sort of Al Anon as a group more so focused on people who are sort of in current relationship. Maybe it's family, maybe it's partner, maybe it's sibling. Right? To me, at least through what I know to be true, it's sort of focused on those present day relationships. Maybe if you're attending a group like Al Anon, maybe you are still an adult child of an alcoholic. You have those early life experiences with someone, perhaps in your family struggling in that way, but you don't need to. Like Al Anon, I'm thinking of, let's say a person who has a partner struggling with addiction, but maybe they don't have early life experiences with that in their family. Yeah, I kind of went on a tangent there, like names, labels, terms I'm hoping to create within our practice, sort of a specialty area, if you will, specifically for people who grew up with sort of early childhood experiences.
[05:08] Sarah: Yeah. And I think something that we've all maybe heard for folks who had a childhood like that, who grew up with an addict or an alcoholic in their home or in their family system, questioning whether what they went through was bad enough. So I think that it's important to name trauma and childhood trauma connected to this kind of this term or this label or this lived experience, because I think a lot of people can feel kind of left behind in the conversation because it wasn't like, quote unquote bad enough. Right.
[05:43] Abby: Yeah, that feels really important to explore because for many reasons, like, the first possibility that's popping up in my mind is just how normalized drinking is in our culture. And so if you grew up in a family system where someone was really struggling with their drinking or substance use, that right there as an adult, you might say to yourself, well, everyone goes off every now and again. So the sort of societal normalization of drinking in that way might contribute to that feeling of, like, well, that was, like, normal, right? Like, that was not that big of a deal. That wasn't too much. The other piece that some may have experienced sort of in families where addiction, alcoholism is present, there can be this, like, sort of silencing, like, we don't talk about that. Like, don't rock the boat. Lots of shame that fuels that, that pattern, but definitely could contribute to that feeling of, like, there's nothing to see here. That was not a problem. Maybe that maybe for some people, that was a message that was sent explicitly, maybe more likely implicitly, like, we don't talk about that, that this is not a big deal. There may be sort of denial amongst the person who's struggling and then even amongst the family members who are living with caring for this person. Like, no, this is not a problem. That's protective in a lot of ways, but, yeah, societally, familially, if that's a word, all that, why someone might think that was not that big of a deal.
[07:17] Sarah: Yeah.
[07:17] Sarah: And the secrecy along with it, too. And like you said, the shame that can come along with stepping outside of the secrecy in some ways of, you know, tarnishing or, I don't know, putting it out there for the world or for other people to hear about, like, what's really going on behind the scenes. And, you know, it's vulnerable. And I think that there can be a lot of shame in that, especially when on the outside, things may look fine and happy, whatever it is.
[07:44] Abby: Yeah. And I'm even thinking, like, it can be some people's experiences to just, like, question their own reality. And those really perhaps, like, scary experiences, traumatic experiences, like an early childhood where you're sort of exposed to addiction in that way from a caregiver or from, like, a really close family member. Like I said earlier, there's sort of, like, this protective mechanism that may pop up to get you thinking. Thinking like, you're questioning your reality. Like, what's happening? Is this really, like, that big of a deal? And that might, you know, trickle out into present day? Like, was that really that big of a deal? Like, I don't know.
[08:24] Sarah: Let's talk a little bit about how it is, I guess, how it is that big of a deal, you know, like, the impact and how really it does fit, I guess we'll say categorically into, like, what the definition of trauma and how the different experiences for folks have experienced this can be really impactful in the nervous system and, you know, with self beliefs and how you take care of yourself over the years.
[08:50] Abby: Yeah, I mean, I feel like I've heard this question a lot. Like, I don't know if what I've experienced was traumatic, per se, or was that, like, a traumatic experience? Was my childhood traumatic? I don't really think so. I don't really know. It can get confusing, especially because when you think of PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, as a diagnosis in the DSM, sort of written out very concrete, it highlights, like, the definition more or less, you know, in my. My own words, is really highlighting just, like, one single event that may have been, like, life threatening or lead to severe injury. So a lot of times people think of, like, combat experiences, car accidents, like, major single events that really have an impact and that can get confusing, especially for situations where people start to question, like, well, I didn't really experience this massive traumatic event, like a car accident or sort of like a war experience, but something feels, like, not quite right about maybe what I've experienced growing up. And so, while not officially in the DSM, we talk a lot about on our blogs, podcasts, things like that. We talk a lot about complex trauma and how that is different from sort of that PTSD diagnosis. And, I mean, I have our blog up, and I think you wrote it really well in one of your blogs, like, what is complex trauma? If it's okay with you to read out loud, like, exactly what you read, your one blog post, because I think it's a great definition and might help folks who are wondering, was what I experienced traumatic start to kind of explore that a little bit more for themselves. So, in the blog post, you write, complex trauma occurs in response to repeated exposure to emotionally overwhelming experiences that have no clear beginning or end, are part of a person's everyday life, are interpersonal, so between people in nature, and are not necessarily life threatening. And I just love the way that you organized that because it pulls apart some of the ways in which complex trauma differs from PTSD. Like, okay, not necessarily life threatening, maybe, but not necessarily interpersonal between people. No clear beginning or end, like a part of someone's everyday life, just emotionally overwhelming experiences. And that feels like even the definition itself, it's kind of vague in a good way because it kind of captures like, oh, there's not this concrete thing that I can point to. To say maybe there is, but, like, as no clear beginning or end every life. So another definition that is coming to my mind that I really love to even simplify that further is just any experience that is either too much, too soon, too much for too long, too little for too long. That's from this paper by Durosa Crowley. I hope I'm saying their name right, but I love that because it's like, oh, I can see that, you know, too soon, too much for too long, too little for too long. Yeah. So that was a lot of jargon and words. But when I think of adult children, of alcoholics as sort of a population, if there are questions of, like, is what I experienced traumatic, maybe we can look to some of these definitions to see, okay, maybe I didn't have this like, really big single event that was life threatening or injurious or whatever, but there was all this other stuff.
[12:29] Sarah: Yeah, there was all this other stuff. Yeah. That's a perfect way to put it. There was all this other stuff. And that, like part of your everyday life. Right. And maybe it's like too much for too long because it's everyday, a part of your everyday life, you know, like coming home and not knowing what you're going to get or, you know, feeling like you have to walk on eggshells or whatever it is, you know, that is too much for too long if that's how you spent your childhood.
[12:54] Abby: And I would highlight too, from those three sort of parts of that definition. Like, often, at least in my experience, it gets. I don't know, maybe this isn't fully the truth, but, like, I'm just thinking how it might be really confusing, especially for that last one. Like, too little for too long. It's like, well, nothing really seemed to happen per se, but it's like, okay, well, what didn't happen? Like, what wasn't happening? Maybe what were you lacking in your family?
[13:25] Sarah: The act of omission, right. Not the act of commission, the ethical mission. Like, what was left out. Yeah.
[13:31] Abby: Which feels like if that was the case for someone, it makes so much sense why, like, that person might question, well, I don't know if what I experienced was necessarily considered trauma because there wasn't really much happening. But if you think about too little for too long, like, if you're a child with a caregiver who's struggling with substance abuse, addiction, alcoholism, like, it might be the case that they're not able to fully attuned to you and your needs all the time, you know, if they're high or drunk under the influence, they even just that emotional attunement of, okay, I'm crying over here, and I need some help. You know, like that right there. Too little for too long. Like, if you experience that many days over time, again, interpersonal in nature, if you're a child who just needs that from your. From your caregiver, and if you're not getting that, that that can leave a really lasting imprint from this definition, I would say is traumatic in my.
[14:30] Sarah: Definitely. And I love Abby wrote a blog recently, and she kind of breaks it down. So I'd love to kind of go through the other. The other, I guess, too much too much is, you know, what I'm trying to say, because I think that she just worded it really beautifully around how experiences of adult children, of addicts or alcoholics may have experienced too much for too long, too much too soon. So, yeah, let's go there. If you don't mind talking about maybe experiences of too much too soon, maybe, to start.
[15:01] Abby: Yeah, yeah. And all to say that, like, every person has their own unique experience, maybe it goes without saying. So these are just, like, some examples, definitely not limited to them. And I don't know if we ever do, like, trigger warnings or anything like that. Maybe that goes bang, too. But take care of yourself, essentially.
[15:21] Sarah: Absolutely. Hit pause, click out, whatever you need to do.
[15:24] Abby: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So too much too soon. I kind of think about, like, so the too soon part, maybe, is, you know, you're really, really young. Like, really young, and you're exposed to something that's, like, just way too much beyond your developmental capacity, like, developmental understanding. So, you know, for some kids growing up with families, households that, like, addiction's present, it's possible that you're being exposed to, whether it be, like, direct experience or witnessing of abuse. You know, I'm thinking sexual, physical, you know, just these might be some things that happen not for. All right. But that's just the two examples that come to my mind when I think too much too soon. That's, like, way beyond the developmental capacity of a young kid. Even sort of, you know, verbal arguments, you know, loud noises, anything. Anything that signals to a young person, something's not safe here. And I am helpless. Like, I'm so young and vulnerable. Like, I can't do anything about this. The, like, very overwhelming, fearful, scary experience where you just don't have the ability to do anything because of how little and young you are. Yeah.
[16:45] Sarah: Like, an overwhelming sense of powerlessness.
[16:46] Abby: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the next one. So, like, too much for too long, we kind of talked about this a little bit, but I really like that. That example of just the constant hyper vigilance day to day, of, like, I don't know how this person's gonna come home. Are they gonna be happy? Are they gonna be sober? Are they gonna be calm? Or are they going to be angry, emotional, like, et cetera, et cetera. So feeling that sort of hyper vigilance, that state of, like, I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop, even me. Like, my shoulders are going up. You feel the sort of activation in your body when you're imagining when's the next shoe gonna drop. So that feels like an example of maybe too much for too long. Too little for too long. We already talked a little bit about maybe there's inconsistent availability of food, inconsistent housing. Maybe you're not getting your hygiene needs met as a young person. And then we talked more about the emotional neglect piece with the emotional misattunement or lack of attunement. So if someone is using drinking, they may be less likely, way less able to attune to a child's needs. Like, if a child is crying and they're not getting their emotional needs met of, like, I'm here, I'm with you. That's an example of too little for too long. If that's happening repeatedly over time. Of course these things happen, you know, every now and again. But if it's happening long term, that's when the impacts start to take shape. And then just, like, another example of too little for too long, point blank, like, someone just not being present. So if a caregiver or loved one is present for a little while, and then there's periods of time where they're not there, you know, whether they're in treatment, you know, sometimes jail is a very real reality for a lot of people, and also just, like, not sure where they are, not sure what's going on, that an example of too little for too long. So just not having their presence for whatever reason. Yeah. Yeah. So those are just a few of what that could look like.
[18:54] Sarah: Yeah. And all of this to say that.
[18:56] Abby: Right.
[18:57] Sarah: Like, the impact, the impact of these experiences throughout childhood are real, right. And they're valid. And like we shared, a lot of people might say, like, ah, it wasn't that bad. I survived. I shouldn't be struggling this much or, or whatever the narrative is. And it makes sense. It makes sense that there's suffering on the other side of these experiences.
[19:18] Abby: Yeah, it makes so much sense. And it makes also so much sense that there'd be questions of, like, was this traumatic? I don't really know. And hopefully just in sort of outlining some of the three components of what complex trauma might be, hopefully, you know, for people who identify with this, there's some. I guess my hope is that there's some sort of recognition that and self validation of like, yeah, what I went through was maybe not okay or left a mark. And I maybe still feel that mark to this day. And I know kind of talking through this stuff can be heavy. It can feel like a lot. And so I just also want to name how much hope exists. Like, if you're someone who's identifying with any, if not all of, like, what we've talked about so far, and you're thinking, okay, well, now what? Maybe I've experienced some of this, and I'm learning that this may be considered traumatic and left a mark and shows up in my present life in ways that I maybe know about, don't know about. Now what I just want to name how much hope there is. And just the existence of groups like ACA, ACOA groups, Al Anon groups, I think, speaks to the hope that exists out there, that there's healing both in community and individually. Like, for some groups like that are so healing and so powerful to be with others who get it and to be able to tell your story to the extent that feels comfortable to you. Maybe a lot of it, maybe none of it. Sometimes just being in a room with others in that way and being witnessed or hearing other people talk about their own lived experiences, so powerful for others, that's just like their jam. And it just maybe feels overwhelming or really activating, maybe not helpful for some. So that side of things I totally get. And to speak to the hope there, like, there are other modes of healing that you can kind of explore for yourself. Wrote a little bit about it in the, in the blog, but yeah, like, groups on their own therapy, on its own groups plus therapy, maybe none of the above. I will continue to kind of write things out. We'll continue to maybe do podcasts as a way to support those who identify with some of what we're saying.
[21:35] Sarah: And of course, Abby is a wonderful resource and, you know, would be happy to support anyone who's identifying with this or feeling the impact of this and are ready to maybe do some exploration and some, you know, healing through trauma work. Abby is just fabulous. So shameless plug for Abby and you, too.
[21:56] Sarah: Yeah.
[21:56] Abby: And, yeah, I appreciate that. And, yeah, our entire group, we focus a lot, are trained a lot in the treatment of complex trauma in all of its forms. This, like, specific population, adult children of alcoholics, I would say, is like sort of one experience amongst many that would be characterized as complex trauma.
[22:19] Sarah: We are here to support. Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for speaking to this. I know a lot of people will feel seen and validated just and maybe, like, less alone. And you're right, there is so much hope and there is so much healing that can happen with support. And people are really deserving of that, like you said.
[22:37] Abby: Yeah, absolutely. And we're here to support in ways that people need. So feel free to reach out if you have any questions or would like to connect because we're here for that, too.
[22:47] Sarah: Absolutely. Okay, everybody, we'll be back next week for another episode. And in coming months, like Abby said, she's going to be chatting a little bit more about different parts of the lived experience of adult children, of alcoholics and addicts. So be sure to stay tuned and follow along with. But until next week, me take good care.
[23:06] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaimu. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube. Eclaimu if you're looking to start therapy for trauma, disordered eating or body image concerns, head over to our website at www.reclaimtherapy.org to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself.
Reclaim Therapy is a group of trauma therapists in Horsham, PA.
We specialize in treating PTSD, CPTSD, eating disorders and Abby specializes in working with adult children of alcoholics.
We’re passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from diet culture, body shame and the impact of trauma.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.