Reclaim You- Gratitude as a Path To Healing
Episode 29: Gratitude As a Path to Healing: Navigating the Holidays
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Join Sarah and Laura in this special Thanksgiving episode of Reclaim You as they explore the transformative power of gratitude.
Reflecting on the challenges of comparison in the age of social media, they dive into the practice of gratitude as a way to reclaim joy amidst trauma, disordered eating, and body shame.
Laura shares personal stories, emphasizing the importance of presence and intentionality during the holiday season.
As the year draws to a close, discover how gratitude can be a guiding light, offering healing and growth, even in the face of loss.
Wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with moments, or even micro moments, of reflection and appreciation for the abundance in your life.
Thanks for listening to Reclaim You with Reclaim Therapy!
To learn more about Reclaim Therapy and how to work with a therapist on the team, head to www.reclaimtherapy.org.
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[00:01] Sarah: Hi there. Welcome to Reclaim you, a podcast published by the Reclaim Therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy because we're about to dive in.
[00:19] Sarah: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Reclaim you. Today, Laura's here, and we are in the spirits of Thanksgiving, talking all about gratitude. So Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
[00:31] Laura: It is. It went quick.
[00:34] Sarah: Yes, it sure did. Where did the year go?
[00:37] Laura: Good question.
[00:40] Sarah: Someone has any insight, please let us know.
[00:44] Laura: Yeah, it's kind of like life is what happens when you make other plans, or life is what happens when you're too hyper focused on others and not yourself, which is kind of related to gratitude.
[00:56] Sarah: Yeah. Tell us more about that.
[00:59] Laura: Well, we talked about this as the topic a couple of weeks ago, and I say this often to clients when I bring up the idea of practicing gratitude. The quote, that comparison is the thief of joy. And particularly in our specific niche where we're working with folks who are struggling with food and body, there is this constant need when one's eating disorder, let's say, is in control. To compare to others. Right. To compare to a standard that's been set forth by people who are trying to sell things, people who are trying to, I don't know, have power, have control, whatever that comparison. And what do we know about those of us who struggle with eating disorders? There is no joy, right? There is no joy.
[01:50] Sarah: Yeah.
[01:53] Laura: The comparison to others, I think we can really get into it. I think even in my lifetime, since I was a kid. So I grew up in the 80s, Reagan had lifted something and I'm not going to remember what in the history people can look that up or others, but basically where you could advertise to kids, right? So we, in a lot of ways were the first generation to have a lot of heavy advertising. You remember Saturday morning cartoons and this toy and that toy and that toy. My parents standing in line overnight to get us Savage Patch kids right at Kitty City. And just this increase in always wanting the next thing, always wanting the new thing, which I didn't grow up in the OR 70s, but I've worked with a lot of people who did. And World War II where scarcity was a big thing, and the depression before that, I worked with a lot of folks who were older, in previous employment and previous positions that I had. Gratitude was such a part of their lives because of what they had experienced. And then you get to sort of like my generation and, you know, in the 80s, they talk about the Me generation, me as kids, everything's being catered to us. There's this expansion of programming, television, this, that and the other thing. And it seems like from there on out, it just expanded exponentially. And now we have social media.
[03:41] Sarah: Yeah.
[03:43] Laura: And again, there is this infiltration, if you will, in our lives day in and day out of people who are putting out there, in little bites here and there, really the best parts of their lives. It's like we are, I was just writing about this, and I talk about how in a lot of ways, we are curating a brand for ourselves, right? Whether we're a practice that's doing that or people individually are trying to curate a brand. I remember someone saying to me, oh, you just need to find your brand. This was before I was engaged in our practice, and I was like, why? I use social media to keep in touch with people. But then there was this part of me that also was like, oh, but I kind of like when there's people who are responding to me and interacting with me and I like to see more followers and so on and so forth. And so now everyone is curating this brand, right? And we live in an age of influencers where you stand to make a lot of money.
[04:49] Sarah: Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
[04:51] Laura: If you catch on. And yet, are we really seeing the true lives of these folks before us? Right? Like, what is truth in all of this? And this is where I'm getting very heady about this. But basically, in the midst of all of that, we're lost. And any sense of gratitude, tHere's no room for that to develop, because instead I'm constantly comparing. Like, oh, my gosh, I think about my niece, who is twelve now. I think she wanted the latest TikTok item for Christmas, right? I couldn't find it anywhere. Not to mention that it was a $35 lip gloss that no doubt she would lose within two days. At the time, she was ten or eleven. Just the absurdity of it all. And that it's not enough to appreciate the things of every day because we are constantly inundated with. But keeping up with the Joneses. You need this, you need that. I need the latest. This. The latest tech is coming out. Oh, my iPhone 14 isn't good enough. Now I have to go to the phone 15. And when you compare the two, there's not really that much of a difference, but it's a status thing, right? And it's just this constant. I think that's where advertising and social media and influencers all are part and parcel of what is stealing our joy. And when we subject ourselves to all of that, as we do when we are a part of social media, it's hard to stand a chance against it.
[06:19] Sarah: To not get lost in the smoke and mirrors, right? Because that's all it is. That's all it is.
[06:24] Laura: And we see now there's lawsuits happening with social media giants around the impact on mental health, right? But I think many of us could have seen that coming or knew from a pretty early point that this was not creating connection in the way that they espoused. They were. So we live in this metaverse. We live in this alternate reality. We live in what we want to be, what we should be, what we want to present to the world, what our brand is, and we completely lose sight of ourselves in that which that has therapeutic consequences or mental health consequences, but also we lose a sense of the abundance that lives in every day, right? So we just constantly are living in scarcity. It's not enough, what I have now. I need to have the next new thing and think about living in a scarcity mentality, like, over time, how that is. I have struggled with scarcity mentality as a person who grew up with some insecurity around finances, food, things like that. And it's part of the trauma narrative that I've had to recover from totally. And I still struggle with those things. So how much of life do we miss? Because we don't take the time to sit and smell the roses, if you will. We don't take the time to just note, oh, wow, this was a really great thing that happened today, and I'm really grateful for it. Sometimes I ask my clients, well, what's one thing that from this week that you're grateful for? And some of them really struggle. And I struggled in the past with that, too. And I'm like, it can be anything. It can be like that. It was sunny out yesterday. It doesn't matter. And it's just so hard to grasp because we become so mired in. I'm not good enough. I don't measure up. My brand isn't popular, whatever it is, and our lives are stolen from us. We're constantly looking for something outside of what we already have and not seeing the worth and the value of what we have. And so gratitude, some people, when I invite them to gratitude practices, they're like, I've tried this, and I know I have a journal that is peppered with moments when I'm doing it and other moments when I'm not back and forth. But if we really think about the heart of a gratitude practice is really. It's a practice of presence. It's a practice of reclaiming life in the moment, reclaiming that which is the essence of who we are as people and of being able to see our lives for what they are beyond the filters, beyond the brand. That's pretty powerful stuff.
[09:01] Sarah: It is really full stuff.
[09:03] Laura: And there's this loose association. When you look at the etymology of gratitude with the idea of grace, right? And we talk about compassion, grace toward ourselves in this process of healing, I can have far more compassion for myself if I see the worth and value in myself than if I just see myself as constantly lacking and my life is constantly lacking.
[09:24] Sarah: I'm thinking of this. It's so funny, this book that I actually. I read to my kids this morning at breakfast, and I probably read it 500 times before, and for some reason my son had it, he brought it downstairs. And so I was reading it, and I think the title is called now. And it's just so funny we're talking about this because as I read the book, I was thinking, this is such a powerful book. I don't know that I actually allowed myself to ever be present enough to understand the concept of the book of, like, this is my favorite cloud. Because this is the cloud that I'm looking at. This is my favorite boat because it's the boat that's sailing this way of coming back to the here and now and being grateful for just what is. Because that's what it is. It's powerful stuff. It really is. Everyone should get that book.
[10:15] Laura: I love it. Yeah, get that book.
[10:17] Sarah: Yes. It would help if I remembered the title.
[10:23] Laura: Well, they can discover it. And we're not in any way influencing this or getting any ad dollars off of this. We're just saying this is but one book that might be helpful.
[10:33] Sarah: Picture book with very few words.
[10:35] Laura: This one is really impactful.
[10:36] Sarah: And it's just resonating so much as you're talking about this of like, yes, this is where a practice of gratitude can be. Just like slowing down and coming.
[10:45] Laura: There's a favorite quote of mine that for years has been with me. I discovered it my senior year of college. People who know me could probably quote it to me, who really know me and have been on a journey with me, but it's a quote. The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. And gratitude helps us to open our eyes to what is right now and creates this pathway to joy that's been stolen from us by all of this other noise in the world.
[11:23] Sarah: Yeah. Noise and pressure. Yeah. I'm thinking of the episode that Abby and I recorded about over functioning. And it feels like it so well, of the culture, the hustle, the going, going. There's not a lot of room unless.
[11:38] Laura: You start to make the room, for sure. Yeah. And we can sit in this moment, in this very moment, and even on the most challenging of days, find Something to be grateful for. And there's some really wonderful books out there that sort of know highlight this idea. Eli Visel, who wrote Night, a survivor of Holocaust camp. And you also have Viktor Frankl, who we talk about in psychology circles sometimes, but he as well, writing about those experiences of living in such a really horrible time in the world. And his book is called Man's Search for Meaning. And especially in Franckl's book, like, this idea that even in that concentration camp, like, even behind the walls, even when it seemed as if all life is lost, one can find hope. I mean, like, holy mackerel, I can't even imagine. When we practice gratitude and we begin to see through the eyes of abundance, I'm far less likely to be jealous of others, to be greedy, to want to take from, to want to wish harm on others, because I am secure in what I have, whatever it is. And the fact that folks have lived in some really challenging times in history and still were able to find hope experiences and still to hold that light of hope for them and to hold onto it for ourselves, that takes practice. I mean, we have to practice that. So that's why I think as it's Thanksgiving in this time of year and we're talking about giving thanks, what better way to. Or what better time to start stepping into a gratitude practice and start small. It doesn't have to be huge. It doesn't have to be. I sit and do a whole journal. It can be something as simple as, okay, once a day. I'm just going to note, I was really fortunate to work for six years with folks who were in recovery for substance abuse. And I think all of those who found a road of hope and meaning in their lives out of addiction and the trauma that contributed to addiction would say that gratitude is a huge part of their daily practice.
[14:05] Sarah: I think even with body shame and body image concerns, a lot of times one of the places that we go is gratitude for something about the body, whether that's your heart is beating or your lungs are breathing, gratitude can be a really powerful practice to acknowledge what is and what's supporting you, even if you don't like the other parts. Right.
[14:29] Laura: Yeah. And when we've experienced loss. Right. As well, like loss of function, loss of ability, folks who are struggling with things like chronic pain or loss of someone important in our lives, it's okay to grieve that stuff, and I don't want to in any way deter people from feeling the grief that's important. It's also okay to begin to see hope in the midst of that loss, in the midst of that grief. That both things can exist together.
[15:00] Sarah: Right. That both. And I was just thinking that. Of starting to hold both. Right. One in each hand, or imagine lots of hands and holding all of the things altogether.
[15:11] Laura: Yeah. It's interesting. Sometimes I work with folks, and they're hesitant to sort of talk about a particular person in their life or situation because they don't want to bring any negativity to the memory of that person. If the person is gone or if the person has now shifted and changed in profound ways, they don't want to sort of bring up the ghost, if you will, of the previous person. But in a way, if we can honor and acknowledge that this wasn't always how it was, in a way that can also deepen gratitude. It's tricky, though, right? Because that can be a comparison as well. But I think there's a truth there. We are much more able to intentionally look at two things, hold them together, and say, these both can exist, and that's okay. And if it weren't for this, then this wouldn't be possible. Yeah. So I think to come back to the body. Yeah, absolutely. I think at the end of a day, when I'm sort of reflecting on the day, part of my practice has just naturally, in my recovery, turn to honoring some aspect of my relationship with my body. And this wasn't intentional at first. It sort of came to be, but to have gratitude for being able to go outside and just experience the warmth of the sunshine and to walk in the woods or to eat this fear food that I haven't been able to eat for years without any fear, that can be really powerful, too. And I think if we come back to our message, this idea of reclaim. Right. That gratitude is the pathway, or it's one of the pathways to reclaiming joy and reclaiming our lives. Comparison can't steal that from us. It can't steal us from us and cause us to have to put out this brand. Instead, we can fully embody in mind, in spirit, in all of our aspects of self who we are with gratitude and confidence. And that's super powerful.
[17:20] Sarah: Yeah.
[17:20] Laura: That's the path of recovery.
[17:23] Sarah: And there really is something about that, like logging off or not turning towards the brand or the social media or the comparisons and experiencing people as much as you can. And I know it's not accessible to everyone as much as you can, like in the flesh, being outside and experiencing real life in the here and now. And yes, social media can be a wonderful tool to connect with people if you're isolated or rural or have problems getting out and about. Yeah.
[17:52] Laura: It's so interesting, as you were saying, that I'm thinking about, you know, how we all have our own idiosyncrasies, we all have our own quirks, we all have our own sort of that oftentimes I would be like, oh, my gosh, I'm so obnoxious. Why can't I just love your laugh? Burn it down. Right. And everyone who. Well, many, many people that I've encountered in life, if I haven't seen them for a while, they'll say, oh, my gosh, I miss your laugh. I just miss your laugh. Right. If they hear my laugh from a distance, they know me by my laugh. Right. And this thing that I, for various reasons, had come to not like about myself is the very thing that people identify me with. Right. And love me for. And those two things don't compute. Right. And so when we can fully experience a moment and live in it without worrying about what others are thinking, without any of the anxieties, concerns, whatever coming up.
[18:51] Sarah: Yeah. And the resonance that brings not only you, but the people you love and care about. Yeah.
[18:57] Laura: We want to push away are the very things that make us who we are. Maybe start to embrace them a little and say, okay, well, can I find anything that I'm grateful for in this day, in this moment, in how I handled the situation, and it could be the most awful situation in the world. Right. I'll share this story literally. The lack of the practice of gratitude and my struggle with scarcity and with myself and my own worth and value. It's led to the loss of relationship.
[19:28] Sarah: Right.
[19:29] Laura: It's led people to choose not to be in relationship with me anymore. I'm thinking of one loss in particular. But those losses for years and years and years would just further give me evidence to prove that what I know about myself is true. Right. Which is that I'm worthless. But the last time this happened, I was probably at my darkest moment. I was at my darkest moment. I was on the cusp of going to recovery for another round. Suicidal. I mean, it was a pretty dark time, and a person left me, and I was devastated. Just cut off all communication, and I was completely devastated. And yet now, as I look back, I think in some ways I was angry for so long and angry for the ones that came before it. But now I can kind of look back and say, I'm really grateful that that moment in time has taught me something about myself and about relationship and about the fact that the idea of scarcity has no place in stealing me from myself or from others, in hurting others, by words that are coming out of me, that are fueled by that lack of gratitude and worthiness. So when we shine the light of gratitude on the entirety of our existence, everything can be transformed as well. Yeah, and that's pretty powerful. I mean, I still miss this person. Every day I think of them. I'm getting married. Well, I am married. I'm celebrating my marriage. And I never thought that this person would not be a part of that day if not standing beside me on that day. And it's very sad. There is this gratitude that I am no longer in that place. Sure, that she reminds me of, not because of her issues, but because my issues led me to be destructive in a lot of ways in that relationship. And so to be able to stand and give thanks for all those years and on her birthday, in my gratitude, I just named her as something I'm thankful for, even though she's no longer here. I do the same with my mother. My mother will be gone 14 years in January, and I do the same thing. It took time, but now I can really appreciate my mom for who she was in a way that I couldn't in the past when I was angry and all I saw was what she couldn't give me. So there's healing beyond this world even. I feel like I'm preaching a sermon today.
[22:02] Sarah: I love it. I'm just, like, taking it all in, taking it all, feeling so grateful for you and sharing so many parts of yourself and your story. Is it bringing you back? Is it bringing you back to the days?
[22:16] Laura: In part, yeah, in part. Which is even nice, too, because I no longer serve in such capacity for various reasons related to my own trauma and other reasons. But to be able to look back on a time and a place that once brought me great grief and was such a festering wound, right? In so many ways and so triggering and traumatic, and to now look back on that with a sense of joy for that time in my life and the good that came out of it and how it contributed to who I am today, it's pretty powerful, too.
[22:51] Sarah: Yeah.
[22:52] Laura: And I'm sorry if that's vague for some people. Best to be.
[22:56] Sarah: That just is what it is.
[22:58] Laura: Yeah.
[22:59] Sarah: And just thinking of that and how it feels important to name that if you're at a point in your life, and I think we've all been there, where it's like, I don't have access to gratitude, there's an opportunity to be really compassionate with yourself, not bullshitting yourself or not judging yourself because you feel like you don't have the capacity to go there. But in giving grace to yourself and acknowledging that discomfort of not having access, there we are in this entry point to maybe at some point accessing some of that gratitude or whatever it is, just the noticing.
[23:33] Laura: Right. Just that intentionality that you just described in that noticing of the barrier of the block of the stuck point. Can we be grateful for that?
[23:41] Sarah: Yeah. That there's a story there. Right. There's a story there.
[23:45] Laura: Yeah. And instead of the barrier, it becomes the doorway to something else. How often I'm being so cliche. But these cliches exist for good reason, because this wisdom is in the world, people, and I say this to myself, this wisdom is out there. And we keep thinking that.
[24:05] Sarah: Instagram scrolling on Instagram.
[24:08] Laura: Exactly. But what is it? Sometimes you stare so long at the door that's closed that you miss the one that's wide open. And that idea, instead of, okay, this door is closed, but maybe there's another one that I can turn and look for. Or maybe it's not a door at all, but I just think it's a door. Well, I'm not going to get on that track. That's a philosophical track, if you want to get more into that. Yes. We'll have a little meet up about that. Folks can come and philosophize, as I say. However, that can also be a way to escape.
[24:48] Sarah: Yes.
[24:49] Laura: I'm really good at it and I'm grateful for that, but I am very well practiced because of all the times I had to escape or chose to. And I can laugh at that now, which is really cool. Before, I couldn't even acknowledge it.
[25:05] Sarah: Right.
[25:06] Laura: It's too painful.
[25:09] Sarah: Is a path of healing.
[25:11] Laura: Right.
[25:11] Sarah: This lifelong experience of finding some way to be a little bit more gentle with yourself, a little bit more compassionate with yourself. Yeah.
[25:19] Laura: Have grace. And each one, I say, each time we step into that a little further, and we can't unlearn that to find a place to do that safely. Because sometimes it's hard on our own. So is there a way that I can practice this with someone who I trust, someone who is a good friend, who is a trusted family member, a therapist, a coworker, someone in my faith community, if that makes sense. Yeah, it's okay to share in the gratitude together too, and to support each other in living into that place. The more that I talk about this with my clients, the more I'm like, oh yeah, wow, in this giving I'm receiving. Right? Like in the giving we receive. And that's part of the etymology of gratitude, is it's both about the receiving and giving thanks for that. But also there's a response in us. Oh, wow. Okay, I'm having some flashbacks from days of old and what I would have preached.
[26:30] Sarah: Okay, so maybe this is a little emotionally corrective in some ways happening on the podcast.
[26:38] Laura: It's all good.
[26:39] Sarah: Once we slide into Thanksgiving, in the holiday season, in the new year, any parting thoughts, words, encouragement?
[26:46] Laura: I hope that when we stand in the new year, our response is not what it was at the start of this podcast. Where's the year gone? It was just early November. The hustle and bustle of the holiday season. I'll say this as a former pastor, such a sacred time of year in a Christian community is the Advent and Christmas season. And yet it was so busy, there was no time to appreciate it and enjoy it in my work. But also, I think, in folks who were members of congregations that I was in, they were so caught up in the busyness of the doing of all the things that we lost sight of, you know, the why and the abundance that was there for us to just sit in and enjoy. And I think that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's a faith based experience of this time of year or just, let's just talk about a human experience of this time of year. It's so easy to get caught up. It's so easy to worry about. Do I have all the gifts on the list? Do I have the right gifts? Do I have enough money? Am I going to put myself in debt so that all next year I'm paying this off? And so, yeah, I have this momentary, like, yay. And then in January, everything hits the fan. Yeah, right. Or is there a different way to just step through it day by day and appreciate the season for what it is and what it brings, however you celebrate it or however you walk through it and let January come step by step instead of losing the abundance of each day between now and then. And remember, it's a practice. Practice makes more practice.
[28:33] Sarah: Yes, that is for sure.
[28:36] Laura: This is not about perfectionism. That is not a road.
[28:44] Sarah: And when the pole is strong.
[28:47] Laura: Exactly. And when we get caught up in the season, can we laugh about it and say, oh, wow, look, I got caught there. There's always an opportunity to reset. Every day. Every morning is an opportunity to reset. Right. Every moment in therapy with my clients, I say every meal is an opportunity to reset. So, yeah, take it day by day and appreciate each day for what it is. And I'll give you more cliches because that wisdom is real.
[29:17] Sarah: Yes, it is real.
[29:19] Laura: So savor all that wisdom that's out there and give thanks for it and keep it coming.
[29:28] Sarah: I'm so thankful for you and all that you do in our practice and with your clients and our relationship.
[29:35] Laura: Thank you all the same to you. How all the roads that led here that I didn't want to be on, and now look where it's brought me. I mean, there is joy in what I do now each and every day that I never experienced before with you, with the team, with my clients, with myself. And I have to give thanks for all those dark roads that led me here. Right?
[30:04] Sarah: Everyone that feels like place that we can wish you a happy Thanksgiving and that you can find pockets, moments, micro moments, even of slowness, presence, gratitude, whatever it is you can access with yourself. We'll be back next week.
[30:21] Laura: Happy Thanksgiving.
[30:24] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim.
[30:27] Sarah: You.
[30:27] Sarah: Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at Reclaim you. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma, disordered eating or body image concerns, head over to our website at ww reclaimtherapy.org to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself.
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We are a group of EMDR therapist in Horsham, PA who provide treatment for eating disorders, binge eating disorder therapy, EMDR, binge eating and EMDR PTSD. We also treat Complex PTSD and provide treatment for childhood trauma in Horsham, PA.
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