Relationships and Trauma: How Do I Love Someone Who Has Experienced Trauma?
In my previous blog post, I wrote about how trauma affects relationships.
Relating to someone with a trauma history invites us to better understand the impact of trauma. Navigating our relationship with a trauma survivor invites us to more intentional ways of relating to them and ourselves.
The three S’s I’ve outlined below seek to offer further assistance to anyone who desires to learn more.
Safety
Folx who have suffered trauma often do not feel safe, no matter how safe things may appear from our point of view.
No matter what we do or say, we might feel helpless, even hopeless, in our efforts to convince them otherwise. This can lead to frustration and anger, and we may question if we should leave.
Remember, this is what the traumatized parts of our loved ones are trying to do - our responses only serve to further support the underlying narrative they carry that people hurt me, people leave, and people cannot be trusted.
Creating safety takes time.
There is no shortcut, no workaround, nothing we can do to speed up that clock.
Though daunting, it is possible that consistent and gentle presence over time will contribute to shaping a new narrative for those we love. Slowly, and with the additional aid of their own work in therapy, they may begin to challenge old beliefs and deconstruct the many protective barriers erected to help them survive a traumatic past.
In his book Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward An Undivided Life, Parker Palmer writes:
The soul is like a wild animal—tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient and yet exceedingly shy. If we want to see a wild animal, the last thing we should do is to go crashing through the woods, shouting for the creature to come out. But if we are willing to walk quietly into the woods and sit silently for an hour or two at the base of a tree, the creature we are waiting for may well emerge, and out of the corner of an eye we will catch a glimpse of the precious wildness we seek.
Our experiences of trauma activate that wild animal instinct of survival within, always on alert, caught up in responses of fight, flight, freeze, submit, and fawn. Yet, at the core, we are beings seeking a place of safety and security where we can take down our walls and connect with ourselves and others.
Creating space where the shy soul can begin to take steps toward that which was once terrifying is a sacred gift for all of us.
Space
We can communicate care by holding this safe space for our loved ones.
They may pull away time and again, an inevitability as traumatized parts become even more hypervigilant, actively seeking any sign that proves false their newly forming narrative. Yet, learning through experience that safe space does not disappear, but remains open to them when they choose to step back in is a powerful message to those who expect to be abandoned.
One important aspect of holding safe space is recognizing that folx with a traumatic past can quickly become overwhelmed and dysregulated. When triggered, space is needed to regulate the nervous system. Our loved ones may appear to cut off and isolate in those moments, when in fact they are retreating to a safer space until they feel able to reconnect with us.
We can support their efforts by tending to our own nervous systems. Learning and practicing breathing techniques and grounding exercises can help both us and our loved one to recenter. This is called co-regulation. When we remain calm and centered, our loved ones, who are highly attuned to our responses, will often follow our lead. In doing so, it is important that we also take care of ourselves. We will no doubt struggle in our efforts, which brings us to our next point.
Seek Support
Loving someone with a history of trauma can be challenging, but there is help available to us as we seek both to better understand the impact of trauma and tend to our own emotions and challenges that arise in our relationships.
I highly recommend finding a trauma-informed therapist to help you in this process. They can provide a place for you to express all of what you are experiencing without the need to filter yourself. Holding safe space takes effort and energy, and you, too, need a safe space to retreat and tend to your own needs.
At some point, we may also be invited to join our loved one in a therapy session of their own. This can be helpful in better understanding how we can support them with the help of a therapist to aid with communication, conflict, and emotions. It is important not to push for this, but instead to accept the invitation with gratitude. Such invitations highlight a desire for healing and recognition of you as an important person in your loved one’s life.
Support groups are also available for family and friends of loved ones who have suffered trauma. Organizations such as the CPTSD Foundation and NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) can connect you with local and virtual/phone support groups with others who understand your experience. More information can be found at https://cptsdfoundation.org/partners/ and https://www.nami.org/findsupport/. Such groups help us to feel validated and less alone.
My name is Laura Gordon. I’m a trauma therapist in Horsham, PA.
I specialize in working with trauma survivors and their loved ones, along with folx who are struggling with an eating disorder.
Please know that there is support available, and that you are deserving of receiving that support.
Here should you need it
🧡,
Looking for a therapist in Horsham, PA or an online therapist in Pennsylvania?
Our team of trauma therapists provides therapy for trauma, therapy for Complex PTSD, EMDR Therapy and Eating Disorder Therapy near me. We would be be honored to support you in your journey toward reclaiming YOU!