Reclaim You- Navigating Making Friends as Adults
Season 1: Episode 14- Navigating Making Friends as Adults with Abby
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Have you ever experienced the jittery tension of clicking 'send' on a first message, the silent screen your only company as you wait for a response? Welcome to the world of adult friend-making, a realm where Abby and I serve as your tour guides, navigating the labyrinth of apps like BumbleBFF and Facebook communities. Together, we dissect the unique challenges of finding friends in adulthood, wrestling with the awkwardness of first conversations and the balancing act of maintaining multiple connections.
We're breaking down barriers, not just between potential friends, but also the internal ones, built up by social anxiety and past experiences.
Let's walk through strategies to step into social situations despite these hurdles and how online platforms can be an ally in this journey. Join us as we confront the solitude and sorrow that often accompanies the pursuit for connection, underlining the value of recognizing our individual interests and being intentional in fostering meaningful relationships. Gear up for an insightful dialog about the struggles, victories, and rewards of friendships in adulthood.
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To learn more about Reclaim Therapy and how to work with a therapist on the team, head to www.reclaimtherapy.org.
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00:01] Sarah: Welcome to Reclaim You, a podcast published by the Reclaim Therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy because we're about to dive in.
[00:19] Sarah: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Reclaim You. Abby and I are talking all about friendships as adults today. And as we were just chatting before we started recording, we were talking about Bumble BFF, an app to find friends. I was sharing with her how I got on it to kind of check out the lay of the land. So we started talking about Bumble BFF and I started recording. So we're going to jump right into the episode sort of mid Bumble BFF conversation. So just to catch you up to where we are, that's where we're starting out, and we hope you enjoy this episode.
[00:54] Abby: It was like dating. It was like it is having to keep up with all the people and forgetting who's who.
[01:03] Sarah: They disappear. Right. And they want to charge you.
[01:07] Abby: Yeah. And then just the anxiety of who talks first.
[01:11] Sarah: It's just a lot.
[01:15] Abby: When I sort of wanted it and was really invested in finding friends in a new location, it was great while it lasted. But like any app, it does sort of become addictive in a way, like the swiping and the matching and who's new and will I find my new BFF? Right. Too much. So good. For a short amount of time, for me at least. And then moving on.
[01:46] Sarah: Yeah.
[01:46] Abby: I love this topic. It's something that I mean, I grew up moving around a lot as a kid, so I had to make friends at different schools every couple of years. Like new school, new friends. Yeah. Middle school moving around.
[02:04] Sarah: Yeah.
[02:05] Abby: Three different schools in three years. Lots of trying to make friends in new places, and that has not stopped in adulthood. And growing up, it was scary and intimidating and uncomfortable in a very different way. Like, friendship kind of came a little bit more naturally growing up, even though I was bounced around a lot. But as an adult, it's like 20 million times harder. And I've heard that it's said from so many people, why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
[02:36] Sarah: Yeah. I'm just so curious because I never moved as a kid, so I was never like the new kid. What was that like to be like? I remember the new kids walking into a lunchroom, every being like, oh, did you see the new did you see the new kid? Or it's a new kid in your class or girl or whatever. What was that like?
[02:52] Abby: Oh my gosh. You saying the lunchroom, the cafeteria walk in, just hearing you say that, I'm like imagery. All this imagery coming back to me of all the different schools and me walking in from the new kid perspective of like, I can't even imagine what I sit with. Yeah. Typically I've learned over time to really kind of figure that out before going to the cafeteria, kind of scoping out in the class. Is there someone who also looks like they're kind of looking around, like, who am I going to sit with and asking a question or kind of walking close to them? I remember, but no, it was terrifying. Being the new kid is so not fun. And in middle school, kids are mean.
[03:39] Sarah: The hardest years.
[03:41] Abby: Yeah. But I will say I think it has helped me be more adaptive and find ways to find my people relatively quickly. But it doesn't make it any easier now as an adult to find friends. Like, it's still very hard.
[04:04] Sarah: As a kid. You have the whole lunchroom in a way to choose from if people are warm and kind, which a lot of middle schoolers maybe aren't, or high schoolers, but there is this pool. Right, but as adults, there's not necessarily this pool of people to try out, sit with. See if you're welcome.
[04:24] Abby: Yeah. Not only is there not a pool of people to kind of be like, okay, who are my people? Who do I think I'd vibe with and enjoy hanging out with and even sort of the trial and error of let me hang out with these people today and then I don't mesh with them well, so let me go and kind of explore hanging out with these people. We don't have that pool as adults. And then also we just don't have the time to invest in friendship at school. Yes, we're learning, we're in class and all the things, but there's ample time to talk to people and socialize and there's no adulting to do afterwards. So just the amount of friendship takes so much time and energy. If you think back to I think back to elementary school and really the way you made friends then was just like, hey, you want to play on the monkey bars or whatever.
[05:24] Sarah: I'm like WABA. Wawa. I don't know if we played WABA, we played Wawa.
[05:28] Abby: Yeah, you find what others are interested on the playground and, hey, come join the game, or whatever, and we don't really have that now. And then also just the time that you can then spend every single day playing that same game, talking about different things and then going to hang out at friends houses. Now it's just like, impossible to find time in the schedule.
[05:52] Sarah: Yeah. It's like you have to be so intentional about finding community, making time for community, making time for relationships. Yeah. It's a lot of energy, especially when there's a million other things going on.
[06:07] Abby: Yeah. Those are like two big reasons that come to mind as to why it's so hard to make friends as an adult. And I think, too, we live in a world that is very geographically spread out. I don't know, I'm thinking about maybe generations prior to ours where people sort of stayed in one area for longer. Maybe I'm wrong on this, but I just feel like at least it's my experience that I've been in a certain community and made a lot of good friends, like college, for example. And then we all sort of went our separate ways, geographically speaking. And I know even as an adult, I've moved around a lot, so I feel like that's happening a lot more, which makes it just that much harder. You're constantly having to start fresh if you do move around a lot.
[07:04] Sarah: Yeah. So as an adult, you've moved around a little bit. Tell us that experience, how you've navigated it, what you've kind of prioritized or how you've connected with people. I mean, I think we could all say the standards of the apps we were just talking about or meetup groups or, I don't know, hoping going to a coffee shop and hoping somebody or whatever it is. But what's been helpful for you as you've navigated moving?
[07:31] Abby: Yeah, I feel like there's like sort of IRL in real life meeting friends and then sort of the online strategy. I've also Googled this before being an adult. Being like how to make friends when you move to a new city. As an adult, give me the tips, give me the strategy, even just from exploring that and thinking to myself, okay, what are the ways people make friends in real life? I'll start with the in real life aspect. I had to do a lot of thinking about what do I actually like, what do I actually enjoy doing as an adult? That would be sort of the equivalent of being on the playground and do you want to play basketball or whatever. So for me, it very much is like it's yoga, going to yoga classes, sort of being in a yoga community. And even that that's hard to sort of strike up conversation, but at least taking the initiative to sort of go to the class and maybe sign up for a workshop or something. That was always a strategy that I had in finding community. This is where in real life merges with online world. Meetup has been so helpful in many ways. So Meetup just like a website where there's plenty of people who create groups that you can join, whether it's a book club or a dance group or I don't know, the list goes on and on and on.
[09:08] Sarah: Yeah. Anything really. Anything. Workshops.
[09:11] Abby: Yeah. And then also in terms of in real life merging with online worlds, I found it really helpful to think about who are my network, what are my networks? So whether it's like a college network, so maybe searching if you went to college in a different place or searching like whatever. For me, it was UCLA's alumni group of Philadelphia. I feel like that was a really helpful way for me to connect with people where there's like, a commonality because it's so awkward to just be like, so, hey, what's your name? Where'd you grow up? There's already something to talk about with. Meetups with the alumni networks and just like, doing the things you enjoy doing and maybe striking up a conversation when you're there, which is way easier said than done, that's for sure.
[10:12] Sarah: I'm thinking about all the other challenges too, that can go into it for folks when there's some overwhelm around social anxiety. Especially after COVID, right? Especially after COVID coming out of that experience and being like, wait, how do I be in the world with people again? Because that feels overwhelming. And then if people have experienced bullying as children or feeling left out or feeling like they don't belong, I feel like all of these things can really build and create some major barriers to building relationships and feeling confident even in your ability to build relationships, meaningful relationships, the depth of relationships you're looking for.
[10:57] Abby: Yeah. The biggest barriers that I know exist both for myself and for other people who I've talked to who are struggling to make friends as an adult, that feels like the biggest thing that comes up around, like, how do you just go to a thing knowing no one and strike up a conversation out of the blue? And we're comparing a lot to what making friends was like as kids. And I'm thinking as children, we don't have as many inhibitions, right. We're so quick to that part of our brain maybe hasn't developed yet, and so we're not thinking, oh, my gosh, what if this person thinks that this, that the other about me? We think it. And then we maybe just go and say, hey, do you want to play this game with me? But now as adults, and especially as adults who struggle with anxiety, social anxiety, have a history of struggling with others, bullying. There's all.
[12:07] Sarah: I'm thinking about my four year old and how he like he sees a little kid in Target or, like, getting out of a car in a parking lot, and he's like, hey, what's your name? Do you want to see my sticker? Do you want to come play with me? Right. It's just like, he just wants to connect, and it's not like, oh, well, they think my sticker is weird, or will they notice that my shoes don't match? Or whatever it is. But it's just this inherent drive to be in relationship with someone.
[12:37] Abby: Yeah. And there's less sort of thinking and planning happening beforehand of like, okay, I have to see just exact right thing so that this person doesn't think I'm totally afraid or whatever. When I think about I mean, I am not immune to the anxiety of reaching out to strangers or going to an event where I don't know anyone. I think I thought a lot about what is sort of the one small step that I can take that feels accessible even with the anxiety. So knowing that the anxiety isn't going to be completely absent and recognizing, okay, what are my limits? I don't want to maybe go to this, I don't know event where I'm talking the whole time to people because that's just too much. But is there sort of an outdoor, like I don't know, I'm just thinking of a random example. Is there sort of an outdoor movie showing that's posted somewhere where you just show up, you bring a blanket, you bring some snacks, and maybe you don't have to talk to anyone at all. But that's just the way that you sort of dip the toe into feeling what it is like to put yourself in sort of an uncomfortable social situation, but one that's not so intense, where it's like, I cannot even leave the house. Yeah, it's like degree so much anxiety.
[14:17] Sarah: Yeah. I think that's where apps can be helpful too, right? If your end goal is to meet people in real life, to dabble in one of these apps like Bumble BFF, or if you're a parent or mom peanut to get some of those jitters out of like how do you introduce yourself and how do you say, like, hey, what's up? I saw that you like hiking and I love hiking, or whatever in a way that feels like there's like lower stake in a way because maybe someone doesn't respond, feels a little I don't know, it doesn't feel great at all. But it feels maybe a little better than being like, hey, do you want to get coffee? And some being like, no, I'm good.
[14:55] Abby: Yeah. And that's why BumbleBFF was like such, you know, try out Bumble BFF and actually met some great people on. So it's like we talked about dating a dating app that has now sort of expanded into other areas of life. And I found that to be really helpful in starting up conversation in a really low stakes way. Because even before you even say hello, you have a sense of what this person is interested in. There's already just sort of like the alumni network idea. There's already a foundation from which you can connect. So if there is a lot of anxiety, which there likely will be, because I just can't imagine there not being any anxiety in sort of I can't imagine that either. Yeah, making new friends as an adult, perhaps. Just like really noticing what feels like the sort of baby step in that direction, what feels the most accessible. Whether it is sort of that idea of just going to an event where you don't have to feel the pressure, know, striking up conversation left and right or going the sort of digital route. Facebook groups are a great resource too. Yeah, Facebook has become just like, at least for me, a space of just groups. I know that in Philly there's like lots of groups for just so many different things, like philly women in their 30s or whatever, people who like plants, people who like to knit anything a way to sort of just post in there like, hey, I need some support around this one plant. And then maybe you're striking up conversation around like a plant swap get together.
[16:43] Sarah: I don't know.
[16:44] Abby: I'm just thinking of all the random things that how to sort of go from dipping the toe to the next baby step, right.
[16:52] Sarah: The little waiting in.
[16:54] Abby: Yeah, I think too around the social anxiety piece. The other thing that really comes up for me and has for a long time, the way that we feel like we should be further along in the friendship domain. So this belief that is there something wrong with me if I don't have this really solid core group of friends at this age when I'm at the life stage, or I should be at the life stage where this is really solidified and I'm done with that. And now I'm moving on. My friendships are solidified. I don't need to think about it anymore. I mean, social media and media have, I think, a lot to do with that. I'm not immune to seeing totally group photos on social media and questioning like, well, what about my group of people? Even if I have wonderful friends and I'm busy and doing all the things, it doesn't even matter. It still hits that nerve.
[18:00] Sarah: Absolutely.
[18:02] Abby: Which I think also increases the anxiety around doing the thing, like putting yourself out there to meet new people.
[18:12] Sarah: Feeling like a pressure cooker in some ways. You feel the pressure to have it figured out, to have the community and have the group and have your besties. Right. And yeah, it's a pressure cooker for anxiety and worry and then that can really interfere with your ability to put yourself out there and to find the people, the person, the group who knows that are the actual good fit for you. Not just kind of like placeholders.
[18:41] Abby: Yeah, there's so many parallels to dating as we're talking about this, I'm just thinking there's so many parallels to dating around like, I should be at this stage, I should be with someone or I should have my best friends. And then when you feel like you don't in comparison to everyone else, it becomes that much harder to do. It scared. Put yourself out there. So that's really hard.
[19:12] Sarah: I love how you're like the categories of what do I love, how do I find those things? Because without that, it can be hard to even know where to start. Right. Like, you have yoga, another member of our team has gardening and books and things like that. And it's like finding that, finding the niche or even the season of life that you're in. I know for me, it probably is finding mom friends with toddlers because I don't know that a single person without toddlers wants to hang out with me a lot because I have toddlers and it just takes up my entire world for the most part. So it's like finding people who are in a similar season as you and who have similar even issues or passions and all of those things. That feels like the place to start.
[19:55] Abby: Yeah. That brings me back to what we were talking about earlier, which is making friends as an adult is hard for so many reasons. And I think too, one of those reasons is we change throughout our lives, not only in terms of where we're at in the life stage sense, but also our interests and values change and shift. So we may have a lot of really good friends from a young age and now our values and interests are shifting. And that doesn't mean that maybe it means those friendships change, maybe it doesn't. And it could mean that as we're looking to make friends as adults by getting really clear on what our interests are, what our values are, where we're at in our lives, we can then kind of seek out people who fit where we're at or complement where we're at. So I think that's another hard part of making friends totally adult because we're also continuing to figure out who we are in this moment.
[21:06] Sarah: Yeah, it's so hard. And what's coming up for me, as you were saying, that is like the grief and losing friendships and having things look and feel different because you are in a different phase of your life. I can relate to that a lot. A lot of my friends have kids much before I did and so I didn't really get it. I don't think anyone really gets it until you're in it. Right. So I didn't really get it and think that I value them or care about them any less. It's just we're in different seasons and some of them are still my very best friends and our kids don't like, get together and play. There is a lot of grief and things shifting and changing and being faced with like, well, who are my people if these people aren't? And a lot of times I think you can bring on feelings of being left behind, which again, can create that pressure cooker of like, well, I have to find something. What's going on for me? What's wrong with me? That I don't have this or whatever? That you're going on vacations together and all of the things yeah.
[22:05] Abby: There's grief too. In okay. You meet someone who's sort of a potential friend and it's like the dating connection, and there's grief. Then, in, you meet with them. You're like, we have similar interests, we're at a similar life stage, and yet the connection is just not there. And so similarly to the grief that you were just talking about as it relates to friends, you've grown up with friends that sort of you're just in different places in your lives. For whatever reason, it's not the same as it once was. And now you're in a place where you're trying to make new friends and find your people, and that's not happening as easily. That's a lot of grief, too. There's a lot of disappointment in that. Frustration, anger, wanting to give up, loneliness. Yeah. And then feeling like, is it me? Is there any hope that I'll find my people? That's where I come back to it. Reminding myself that it takes time, patience. And also there's an element of this that I think is really important, of what is it like to be doing things by yourself? Do you feel okay with doing something you love on your own? And maybe feeling all the feels that come up with that around, is this awkward? Or I should have someone doing this with me? Whether it's like going to the movies or going on a dinner date by yourself. Not to say that anyone has to do that, but I think that's an important part of considering, how do I make friends as an adult? The question, how do I also be comfortable with myself?
[24:00] Sarah: With myself?
[24:02] Abby: Totally.
[24:03] Sarah: Yeah. And I'm also thinking on the other side of this is when you have people you build connections with or you feel like you vibe with. Right. Making sure that you cultivate and you make time for and you tend to those relationships because that's the other side of it. Of, you can long for this and then adulting right. Adulting can get in the way. But holding those relationships really sacred feels so important that I think we often kind of forget about of, okay, yeah, I made these friends, and if you don't make the time for it, like anything, there's not going to be trust, there's not going to be the healthy foundation and all of those things. So it's like making sure you hold those relationships sacred when they're meaningful and they really hit and prioritizing them as much as you can.
[24:53] Abby: Yeah. That's so huge. And it's a great reminder for me, too, because it's so easy to get swept up in the day to day and forget or lose sight of, like, wait, this is a really important part of my life as well, that I want to nurture and cultivate. I've heard people doing really strategic and effective ways of doing this. So whether it's finding a show that's super consistent that you all, even if it is just zoom, or you're getting together once a month on a scheduled time around a certain thing, that can be really helpful, being more strategic about it with all of the adult.
[25:37] Sarah: Totally. Totally. I think Emily was saying we had a meeting on Friday. Emily was saying how she had a book club for a year where they met for a year. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, that's actually amazing that you've had a book club for an entire year. Like it's built in connection. Whether you talk about books or whatever it is, it's still this time to just be with each other. Which is the name of the game. Right. We all want connection.
[26:01] Abby: Yeah. I think too I've had the thought of oh my gosh, if I'm having to schedule it, it feels really sort of just like work. But it really is important to schedule those things just as it's important to schedule in self care or to schedule in me time. Sometimes we just have to in order to make it a priority and to nurture those things it has to be a scheduled thing. And also I know I need to do a better or I want to do a better job of spontaneous in addition to the scheduling.
[26:31] Sarah: Right.
[26:32] Abby: Like spontaneously texting a friend or a loved one. When I'm thinking about them, if something pops into my mind and it reminds me of them I'm often the person who thinks the thing and smiles or laughs about it and then walks on in the day and I'm like that's a great opportunity to just connect. It's a small thing but it's a big thing.
[26:54] Sarah: Absolutely. It's like you think of someone, it's like oh yeah, I wonder how they're doing. And you carry on and you're right. Just taking the extra 5 seconds to send a quick text or like a voice memo or whatever it is. Yeah. Can be so impactful and just make you feel that much more connected to the people you really care about.
[27:14] Abby: Yeah. I keep thinking just how much patience is a key in all of life but also in developing friendships, nurturing friendships. I often forget how much time it took for me to develop my friendships with people that I've been connected to for a long, long time. Somehow my brain seems to think we did that in a day and it's like, wait, no. There's just been so much history and so much time and energy put into those relationships that I sometimes develop the expectation for friendships in adulthood to be like overnight. We have an instant connection and we have all these inside jokes and we just get each other and it's like well, not how it's always going to work out. Totally takes time and effort for sure.
[28:09] Sarah: Yeah.
[28:10] Sarah: Any other tips for folks who are struggling in building friendships or finding friends or are just feeling like discouraged as an adult with less connection than maybe they'd like?
[28:25] Abby: One other thing that I had been thinking about as it relates to finding our people. We keep talking about this comparison between making friends as a kid, making friends as an adult, making friends as a kid. You're very much in like a school setting often where sort of people are abundant the lunchroom and also I have to remind myself to not sort of discount or disregard workspaces. I've often had the tendency to really be strict about work life balance and not to say that that's not important, right? We all have our own definition of work life balance, what works for us, what doesn't. And also, some of us really we get into careers, jobs that are personally meaningful for whatever reason. And I am constantly reminded of the people that I work with have a lot of similar interests and values and I've developed really strong connections with those folks. I think about the work that we do, it's so hard to find people who get it in the sense of not talking about diets and not talking about I'm talking about our work personally. But I think that can be generalized to a lot of people's work situations. If you're in a work situation that feels like it matches your values and your desires, I just had to remind myself, like, don't discount that. There's so much wonderful stuff happening in those spaces.
[30:04] Sarah: Yeah, absolutely. It kind of feels like in the work that we do right, our values do very much so align because we wouldn't be doing this work in this capacity if they didn't.
[30:15] Abby: Perhaps that is a path to consider if you feel really aligned to the work that you do and the people that you work with.
[30:22] Sarah: Yeah, absolutely. If you tend to have that balance of doing it in a healthy way and not just commiserating about work all the time maybe that, but also space for more. Space for more.
[30:33] Abby: Yes, absolutely. I think it's a helpful reminder for me at least to know that there are so many people who are experiencing the same exact challenge even if on social media it looks like the opposite is the case. More people than not, in my experience, often feel a sense of loneliness or feel a sense of yearning for more connection than they maybe have or would like to have. And so for me, I'm consistently reminding myself that the way things look are not always as they seem. And we all yearn for authentic, deep connection and it's really hard to find that and maintain that in the really busy, online, geographically dispersed world that we live in. And so being gentle with yourself if and when it's challenging to find and maintain connections and holding on to hope that they exist. And so perhaps doing in addition to sort of I love this, like the do it scared, like doing it scared stuff to seek out connection and put yourself out there continuing to go inward too. And like we had been talking about thinking about what are my values, what are my interests, how can I do all those things on my own as well? Not to just sort of put that aside and wait for the right person or people to do it with. That was a lot of roundabout stuff.
[32:27] Sarah: Yeah. No, I love it. I think it's a great reminder for myself too, really. And I. Think a lot of people will resonate with that. And I'm just thinking you said values a few times, and I'm thinking of the handout that we made about values maybe a month or so ago, and I'll link to it in our show notes. It's like a great list and some questions that Abby came up with in a blog of what are your values and how do you know what your values are, and then how then through this conversation, finding people who are in alignment with those things just feels so important. So if that's helpful for anyone, I'll put the link in the show Notes so that you have access to that. So hopefully it'll be supportive in kind of like, knowing what you're looking for and what resonates for you and who you might vibe with.
[33:10] Abby: Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I think the friendship stuff goes like, interests are super important to find people who have similar interests. And also on a deeper level, are there ways that we can find people who connect in similar values?
[33:27] Sarah: Yeah. Love this conversation. I think that it will really resonate. I know it resonates for me. So thank you.
[33:35] Abby: Thank you as always.
[33:37] Sarah: Right, everybody? We will be back next week, and if you have thoughts about friendships and what's, you know, message us on Instagram or shoot us an email. And if you're looking for support around building know, certainly check out the therapist at The Practice. Be happy to support you in that, but otherwise, we will be back next week with another episode.
[33:59] Abby: Yeah. Excited.
[34:01] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim You. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at Reclaim You. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma disordered eating, or body image concerns, head over to our website@www.reclaimtherapy.org to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself. Our.
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