Family Dysfunction: What It Is And What To Do About It
Season 2: Episode 24
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Join hosts Sarah and Abby as they unpack the challenging terrain of family dysfunction and its often heightened impact during the holiday season.
This episode explores how trauma shapes family systems, the lasting effects of shame and abandonment, and the vital role of healthy relationships in the healing journey.
Abby shares practical wisdom for managing complex family dynamics and reminds listeners that healing isn't linear. Whether you're struggling with difficult family relationships or supporting someone who is, this episode offers valuable insights on setting boundaries, finding community, and embracing self-compassion during the holidays and beyond.
Listen as we explore:
Understanding different patterns of family dysfunction
Practical strategies for navigating holiday stress
The importance of building support systems outside family
Tools for self-regulation and emotional well-being
Finding peace with the complexity of family relationships
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Sarah (00:37)
Hey everybody, welcome back to Reclaim You. Abbie's here and we're gonna talk some about family dysfunction or what it means to be a dysfunctional family and how to start to heal in relationships.
Abby (00:50)
Yeah. Yeah. And I think specifically too, and also hi everyone. as I dive right in, especially around this time of year, not only is it the holidays, but we're in just like collectively a really busy, big time, you know, after the election. And, I imagine a lot of us will be, you know, or some of us will be spending time with family around the holidays. So it feels like a good time.
Sarah (00:54)
Yes, hi.
Abby (01:17)
to talk a little bit more again about family dysfunction, what it is, how it impacts us, and how it might be relevant at this time of the year, what we can do to take care of ourselves. So I'm glad to talk about this today.
Sarah (01:31)
Yes, Yeah, so important, especially in the aftermath of the election, there's gonna be a lot of maybe situations in families that could be quite exacerbated depending on, you know, beliefs and things like that. So yeah, perfect timing and you're perfect person to talk about it. So.
Abby (01:46)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah (01:49)
Yeah, let's dive in to maybe some like categories of dysfunction just to give some background maybe of where we're coming from.
Abby (01:58)
Yeah, yeah, definitely. And I'm almost positive we did a version of a podcast, like, about this, but maybe, slightly angle. And so just to kind of build on to that, and maybe also summarize what we talked about a bit then, my conceptualization of family dysfunction is just like really
Sarah (02:04)
Mm-hmm.
Abby (02:21)
family pattern, family dynamic that is unhealthy, might lead to And this could look so many different ways. So it might be helpful, yeah, to talk through some different categories. And we won't maybe talk about specifics within these categories, but as always, with any listening, take care of family dysfunction could look like
very broadly speaking, just poor communication within and across a family. It could look like, you know, lack of structure, lack of routine, and then maybe on the opposite end of the spectrum, like really strict rules, rigidity, where expectations are impossibly high. It could look like abuse, neglect, like emotional abuse, emotional manipulation.
another category that I was like reading about and also thinking about was this idea of just like lack of unconditional love. Lack of unconditional love, that's like a double negative, right? But just like, you know, this sort of like you are loved, accepted, appreciated conditionally, that is certainly traumatizing. So yeah, just to kind of define what family dysfunction.
Sarah (03:21)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Abby (03:33)
is what it could look like. That's certainly not limited to those categories. And for those listening, you might be identifying with some none all of these and recognizing that this happens to different degrees to within families. So I don't know if you'd add anything to that or
Sarah (03:38)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
families who are experiencing addiction or untreated mental illness, right? Like that's a that's a real big one, too. You know, there's a lot of like secret keeping and family patterns that are swept under the rug and across all of those spectrums, right? Like looking back generationally of how these things have played out in families over time.
Abby (03:58)
Yeah.
Mm.
Sarah (04:12)
culminating maybe in the here and now in your family and how things feel so dysfunctional. Often I think these all go hand in hand or many of them go hand in hand.
Abby (04:20)
That's making me laugh that I like totally forgot that one. Just, you know, knowing that is something like I care a lot about, think a lot about and of course, yeah, like 1000%, a form of family dysfunction, unhealthy family patterns, dynamics that are absolutely traumatizing for all the reasons you just named. yeah,
Sarah (04:40)
I mean, all of them, right, they all have an impact for sure. What do you feel like are the themes that you think of when you think of these kind of patterns in dysfunctional families, themes that could come up for someone who may be a part of this type of family system or who has been a part of this type of family system?
Abby (04:53)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah. So we talk a lot on this podcast, and in our practice about the ways in which trauma impacts us and particularly like when we experience any form of trauma, family dysfunction being a form of trauma, leads us to develop sort of strategies, maybe even self beliefs throughout our lives, maybe becoming more solidified into adulthood.
So some common themes that might show up for people who've experienced any form of family dysfunction. two that pop out strongly for me, and there's likely many more, are that of shame and that of like a fear of abandonment or lack of trust in self and others. And so to even just like begin with shame, this all makes sense, right? Like if we are experiencing a
any form of abuse, neglect, even that, you know, rigid strict rule, end of the spectrum type of family dysfunction, it would make a lot of sense that as a young person in a family system whose brain and nervous system are still so malleable, right, like the brain is still developing at that time, it would make a lot of sense that a young person might grow up in those
situations and think to oneself like, it must be me. I'm the problem. I'm bad. Shame is that experience of I am bad. so, you know, shame, huge theme, common theme that might pop up for And then again, that fear of abandonment or that like lack of trust that others can get your needs met or be there. That fear of
people just like leaving. That makes a ton of sense too, and perhaps all of these categories, but some that stand out to me are maybe families where addiction is present or that other end of the spectrum, families that have maybe have like lack of routine and structure, consistency, reliability. Of course, you know, a young person in that dynamic might start to develop the belief, I can't trust anyone, I can't rely on anyone.
So there's likely so many more self beliefs, themes, strategies that we develop in response to family dysfunction. But those two stand out.
Sarah (07:20)
But these, yeah, these feel like, yeah, they do. They really do. It's like the undercurrent of so many of the things that we, I think, see in our practice when folks are coming in. The undercurrent of shame is so significant and can be so toxic to people's view of themselves in the world and their family, you know, just of their personhood. And then like abandoning themselves even, you know, so being so afraid of being abandoned by other people that we're also then abandoning ourselves.
and the parts of ourselves that have helped us survive.
Abby (07:52)
Yeah. Yeah. And so many other strategies too, that we developed, like we've talked before on the podcast about people pleasing perfectionism, you know, obviously disordered eating. talk a lot about maybe even people who grow up in these dynamics, patterns, develop their own addiction or use substances, alcohol to yeah, cope, survive. All of these are survival.
strategies. And I think it's maybe also important to like, note or loop back to the definition of family dysfunction and the ways that it can show up those categories we talked about. And I think a lot about it too, that family dysfunction doesn't necessarily happen in a vacuum.
And, you know, we all...
are living within systems that make it sort of like groove the path for perhaps dysfunction to exist within families. And just to name a few, like there's so many systems of oppression that we're living in, there's poverty.
Sarah (08:52)
Yeah.
Abby (08:59)
you know, collective trauma that people are facing, intergenerational trauma, like historical trauma that gets passed down, families. And so if you're listening to this, and I know sometimes I've had these thoughts or questions in my mind, like, why is my family like this? You know, love them dearly, but like, why?
Sarah (09:17)
Why is my family like this? Yeah, like, how did this start? Yeah.
Abby (09:22)
Yeah, yeah, sometimes it can be helpful not to excuse behavior, right, but to name the context in which we all live in. And that make it makes sense that, you know, family dysfunction would exist. It's not just like families develop dysfunctional patterns and dynamics just because like, again, back to shame, like we're bad people. Absolutely not the case. There's lots of reasons why.
Sarah (09:40)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Abby (09:49)
these different things show up within our family systems.
Sarah (09:51)
Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. And, you know, I'm just looking at some of the notes that you wrote about dismissing the idea that our families have had an impact on us. I think a lot of us do that, right? Like, I got out, like, I'm fine, like, I'm free now, you know, now I have choice. But can you talk a little bit about that, you know, that...
Abby (10:08)
Bye.
Sarah (10:17)
It also kind of feels like abandonment in some way, abandonment from yourself. some of those things that folks say, just kind of trying to, I don't know, to downplay or dismiss or say like, no, I'm not part of this functional family because X, Y, Z.
Abby (10:31)
Yeah. yeah. That feels like another common theme that maybe springs up for people who experience family dysfunction. That idea that, you know, like sometimes when I talk to people about their families growing up, present day dynamics that exist within families, it can be pretty common to hear this like sort of not rebuttal, it's not a debate, but like,
Sarah (10:39)
Yeah.
Abby (10:57)
follow up of, but I love my family, like, don't get me wrong. I love my family. They are just doing the best they can. You know, they're great people. They're wonderful people. Of course, not everyone's saying this, but this can be a common follow up. I've been, you know, I've been there. And what I feel like is most important is to acknowledge that common saying that two things, multiple things can be true at once, like
Sarah (11:14)
Yep.
Abby (11:24)
For some of us, it is absolutely the truth that we love our families, we love our caregivers, we want continued relationships with them. For some of us, you know, not everyone. And at the same time, can it also be true that the dysfunction that's existed maybe continues to exist has had a real impact on me or on you or whomever?
Sarah (11:46)
Yeah.
Abby (11:50)
and that it continues to show up in adulthood or present day. And like, not that it's okay, but that's okay type thing. Like it's okay that both of those things exist, that you maybe love your family and you want continued relationship. And also there's been real hurt, pain, trauma that's been caused by some of those dynamics. And again, when we like broaden back out to that,
Sarah (11:56)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, that there's like
Abby (12:16)
Yeah, context of like, there's so many reasons why family dysfunction exists. It can help normalize it. Again, not to excuse behavior, but that just feels really important.
Sarah (12:23)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it feels like a step in taking care of yourself, right? That acknowledging the impact in all of this is huge. And yeah, maybe people's intentions weren't to like harm you and traumatize you, but that doesn't take away from the impact that all of like these situations or your experiences in the world have had on you. Yeah, that's that like holding both, which is so hard.
Abby (12:32)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right. Yeah. And just you know, shame, fear of abandonment, many other strategies develop from family dysfunction. That's a strategy in and of itself to kind of dismiss the impact that it's had. That's really protective to like hold that belief that these are really good people. They mean well, the intention was not to hurt maybe it's not about like
Sarah (13:04)
Mm-hmm.
Abby (13:14)
dismissing it. Maybe it's just like, again, both things can be true. can love and care about these people and want these relationships if that's true for you. Side note, and also the impact is very real and is deserving. Like I'm deserving of support and care and healing from the impact of family dysfunction and the trauma that ensued.
Sarah (13:36)
And for some people it may be like, no, they did intend to do harm, right? And I don't intend to continue relationships with them. And like, okay, that's fine as well. think online, this could probably bring us in a different direction that we don't have to go. there is a lot of discourse about just like cutting people off, like cut people off, free yourself, know, estrangement, all of those things. And that is a really solid option for some people. And for other people, it's really not. It's really not.
Abby (13:40)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's such a solid option for some people and is a very valid choice for those who need to make it. And it's not an easy choice sort of like to go no, yeah, go no contact or sort of remove relationship situations from your life. And at the same time, yet it's equally valid for someone.
Sarah (14:10)
Mm-hmm.
It is not easy.
Abby (14:28)
to say like, I want maybe need to maintain this relationship.
And it's so hard because as with everything on social media, the context is often lost and we don't just like.
I might have to reel myself in, like, we don't always know someone's situation and sort of throw out this blanket advice or opinion or guidance. And again, everyone can share their thoughts and opinions and feelings, but just to like throw out this, like you need to get rid of these people in your life. Strips.
Sarah (14:44)
you
Yep.
Abby (15:05)
context from every unique situation that exists out there and it's not as all or none as social media might make it so it's really complex.
Sarah (15:08)
Yeah.
Yeah, there's so much nuance. There's so much nuance that's lost in like blanket statements like that And yeah, sure, sometimes they're warranted, of course, but every situation is so different and every family system is so different and what people, know, what their intention is in terms of their own healing, that is also so different. So it's like, how can you heal alongside of acknowledging?
that you have been part of this dysfunctional family dynamic. And yeah, it's just gonna look so different for everyone.
Abby (15:46)
Yeah. Yeah. And we'll probably like get into this more when, you know, we can talk about how to take care of ourselves in family systems like these, especially maybe around the holidays, around this time of year. But it's something that I go back to a lot because it is such a helpful framework for my brain. And I may have mentioned it, whether it be on a podcast or a blog before, but
Vinnie Wellsby, which I hope I'm saying their last name, right, because right now I'm questioning the spelling and my pronunciation of their last name. But I listened to a podcast of theirs that was more in the context of boundary setting related to body image, I want to say, just had like an amazing framework. I don't know if they came up with it or learned it from someone else, but
helped me so much and it's this concept of remove, reduce, protect. And I always think of reduce, reuse, recycle, but remove, reduce, protect. And this idea with like boundaries of all types and in our conversation here, it's around family dysfunction and just navigating family dynamics in general, there is the option of removal, right? Like there's the option that we remove certain relationships and situations in our lives that are no longer tenable.
Sarah (16:41)
Yeah, yeah.
Abby (17:01)
And that is a choice that we can make for ourselves. And also for some of us and some situations, that's either not possible or we don't want it. Like we don't want to remove ourselves from certain people or situations, or we can't again, for so many nuanced reasons. So if that's the case, then we can move into the space of reduce. Like if we can't remove, don't want to remove, how do we reduce exposure to the impact of maybe being around that person?
or being in certain situations, reduce exposure to really anything. And then, of course, like that is maybe not possible or wanted for a variety of reasons. So if that's the case, we can move ourselves into the category of protect, like, okay, I don't want to remove or reduce, or I can't remove and reduce. So how do I protect myself? When I go to this place, when I'm with this person,
And maybe we can talk more about strategies for protection if that's the like sort of path people are taking. But I just love that framework so much because it can apply to so many boundary setting situations.
Sarah (18:04)
Yeah.
Yeah, especially with the holidays coming. But before we go there, let's talk about like over time, you know, I mean, minus the holidays, we're coming into a really hot month and a half. But outside of that pressure cooker of time, what what are some things that folks can can do and take with them to start healing over time?
Abby (18:16)
Yes, yeah. Yep.
Yeah.
when thinking about like healing from any kind of trauma, you know, in the realm of family dysfunction, like the trauma has happened in relationships. And so what we know is that when we've experienced any form of relational trauma, healing then needs to happen in relationship to
And those relationships can look so many different ways, but it kind of goes back to that idea of self-regulation versus co-regulation and how self-regulation or self-soothing skills, coping skills that we use on our own by ourselves, yes, are so important. We want to have a nice toolbox of those. And also if we grew up in a family system where we didn't experience consistent co-regulation,
we never really learn that skill of self-regulation. can't, like you can think of maybe a baby who is crying, so they're in a state of activation, dysregulation, that co-regulation looks like, you know, someone attending to the crying, picking the baby up, rocking them, feeding them, whatever it is they need. That baby then can like physically sort of learn that they can shift from.
state of activation, dysregulation to, I'm good now. And so, yeah, if we don't have that consistently, that experience of co-regulation, or there's lots of disruption to that, it's really hard for our nervous systems to do that on their own. So the long and short way of saying when trauma happens in relationships, you know, we need to heal in relationships.
Sarah (19:46)
Yeah, we can exhale, settling, yeah.
Abby (20:11)
Yeah, that can look so many ways.
Sarah (20:12)
Yeah, thinking about like groups and communities and friendships and like it doesn't have to be with the family that you grew up with, you know, it can be with chosen family or chosen people or chosen community neighbors, right? Like the options are an animal, right? Like my dog, you know, it can be just something that can can bring that edge of regulation to your system.
Abby (20:20)
you
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. And there's like, now there's so many opportunities for that. And also we are living in like a really lonely, isolated time at the same time. you know, kind of finding relationships that work for you. Yeah, like you said, groups, Facebook groups, even although there's plenty of toxicity to go around there too. So choose wisely. Yeah.
Sarah (20:44)
Yes. Yes.
yeah. Yeah, yeah. Keep your eyes peeled. Yeah.
Abby (21:03)
Yeah, maybe find the ones that don't have as much of that or, but yeah, animals, plants even, although that's not a human talking back to you, but like there's something about living beings, being in nature that is also really supportive to us. So it can look so many different ways. And of course therapy is a way to experience consistent co-regulation.
Sarah (21:12)
plants.
Abby (21:29)
or a therapy group or a support group. So when it comes to that question of like, okay, I experienced lots of family stuff in my past and maybe to this day, what do I do about it? That feels like the starting point. Okay, like healing and relationship, what does that mean? And I like the question that people can ask themselves maybe if it feels okay to do, like who in my life, if anyone, again, animal.
person do I feel mutually regulated with? Who do I feel like that sense of mutual dysregulation? And maybe can I at least right now just like lean more into the spaces and the people that bring me a sense of regulation just a little bit more.
Sarah (22:14)
Yeah, I like using the word regulation, right? Because I think a lot of times we may have even jumped to the word safe, right? And for so many people who have grown up in a family system like this, safety may not exist. So finding safety in the here and now feels like next to impossible. So those edges of regulation, I think that's a really wonderful way to put it. Where do you feel more ease or more spaciousness or more presence? That's a step towards maybe something else.
Abby (22:22)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. And just like noticing within yourself if, if and when it doesn't feel that way. And that's where sort of we can check in with ourselves and begin over time. This takes time to identify strategies that we need to navigate the waters of relationships.
Sarah (23:02)
Yeah. So how do we carry this into the pressure cooker? The pressure cooker of the next month and a half.
Abby (23:09)
again, going back to that reduce, remove, remove, reduce, protect, like if that framework resonates, it can be even helpful to journal out like during this holiday season or during this season of life, like what and who do I need to like, start to explore these categories with and maybe you could do that in relationship with someone, a therapist or a
trusted friend or whomever. And then at least with like, let's say holiday gatherings. If you're attending those, if you know you're going to be around family where things are challenging, I like to kind of check, do little check-ins. So is there space to check in with yourself before the gathering? Maybe you're taking some time to jot down in your notes app on your phone, like.
how you're feeling, what your thoughts are, any strategies or self-care things that you wanna have in place, supports, support people. So just checking in with yourself beforehand, maybe setting some intentions for yourself. And then if you're able to, this is way harder, but checking in with yourself during the gathering. So the bathroom is a great place to do this. Just get away and head on over to the bathroom.
Sarah (24:18)
Yeah.
Abby (24:22)
open up that notes up again to just check in like, yeah, what did I tell myself beforehand? Let's like recenter and what I know is true. And then of course, like having maybe a plan for after the gathering to take care as best you can. And that can look so many different ways depending on what you might want or need. But yeah, those those are the big ones that stand out.
Sarah (24:26)
you
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they feel really great and helpful. I'm thinking about how maybe, and I could be wrong on this, I don't know, maybe some people are going to be opting out of holiday gatherings this year. Thanksgiving is what, by the time this comes out next week.
Abby (24:58)
Yep.
Sarah (25:02)
So if you're opting out, how are you gonna care for yourself? And there may be grief in opting out, right? There may be grief in not being with people who you traditionally have been with, but it's also maybe an act of self-preservation or self-care. So, you know, having a plan for those days to tend to whatever comes up, like maybe it's relief and you can celebrate the relief, and maybe it does feel really lonely and sad, and finding ways to honor that grief and honor...
what's held in it because there's a lot that's held in it.
Abby (25:33)
Mm-hmm, yeah, setting up that day, that evening, whatever, in a way that gives you space to, yeah, grieve, feel the feelings, but also take really good care of yourself. I'm just imagining what it would be that I would need, and this might not be true for anyone listening, but I would really need to log off social media and...
Sarah (25:55)
Yeah. Yeah.
Abby (25:56)
engage in some healthy distraction and like cook a good meal or have a friend to call or you know, those are just things that would feel enticing to me on a day like that. So finding the things that feel good to you if you're choosing to opt out because that's a really real necessary choice sometimes.
Sarah (26:05)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, to nourish yourself in lots of ways. Yeah.
Do you feel like there's anything else you want to add to this about, you know, how to be with yourself through all of this as we kick off the season that we're in?
Abby (26:31)
I guess I would just say...
you're not alone in it. And I think a lot of people can identify with family dysfunction to some degree in some way. And that's not to discount the very real experiences a lot of us have had. So.
Yeah, if you can be with others who get it, can be nice, but it doesn't have to happen.
Sarah (26:51)
great. I'm just thinking now that healing or even identifying some of the categories that Abby spoke about at the beginning of the episode, if you're identifying like, this makes sense. Maybe there's some dysfunction that's been unspoken in my family system for a long time. Just acknowledging that there can be a lot of pain in it, right? And healing.
Abby (27:11)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah (27:12)
I think we, or social media or the internet, whatever, talks about healing as like this beautiful journey that is filled with lots of lovely things. And sometimes it is, and often it doesn't feel so great when you're on the journey. just offering compassion if that's where you are, especially in the time that we're in. So yeah.
Abby (27:25)
Yeah.
Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah, that's a really good point. It can be very messy. It often is so yeah, like hand to heart, for yourself if you can. and sending lots of compassion to everyone during this time.
Sarah (27:38)
Yeah, often is. Yep.
Yes, yes. Well, thank you so much for coming on to talk about this today. Yeah, of course. Okay, everybody, we'll be back next week for another episode and look out for a monthly mindful moment from Abby. I'm putting her on the spot now. She's going to start doing a monthly mindful moment for the podcast if you like my M's. What are those called?
Abby (27:54)
Yeah, thank you.
Yes.
Alliteration, right?
Sarah (28:12)
it was not an it's an alliteration. Wow, I was way off. Yep, an alliteration. That's what we're doing.
Abby (28:16)
Yeah.
Sarah (28:19)
be on the lookout to help you get through maybe this season as well. So as always, thank you so much, Abby.
Abby (28:25)
Yeah, thank you.
Sarah (28:26)
All right, everybody, we'll be back next week and we'll talk to you
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