Reclaim You- Coping Skills: Your Toolkit for Navigating Life's Challenges
Episode 26: Coping Skills: Your Toolkit for Navigating Life's Challenges with Mallory Grimste
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Ever wondered about the secret to coping with emotional challenges? Join us in an enlightening conversation with mental health therapist Mallory Grimste.
We unpack the power of effective coping skills, exploring what they are, how they provide comfort during emotional tribulations, and how to gauge their efficacy. Mallory's insights reveal that these skills, though not always problem solvers, are vital tools in our emotional survival kit.
Digging further, Mallory imparts her knowledge about the optimal number of coping tools for a well-equipped toolkit. She shares how to match these tools to various situations and offers a deep dive into the four categories of coping strategies for teenagers.
Our discussion also ventures into practical coping tools for day-to-day life, such as pace breathing and imagery. We underscore the significance of the comparing strategy and stress the necessity of a personalized coping plan considering potential stressors and emotional vulnerabilities.
In the final part of our conversation, we underline the crucial role of self-care and therapy on the journey of healing. From mastering paced breathing to using imagery as calming techniques, we leave no stone unturned. With Mallory's expertise guiding us, our discussion demystifies the process of developing a toolbox of coping skills and their application in daily life.
To learn more about Mallory and her work, head here:
Website: https://www.mallorygrimste.com
Self-Care Bundle: https://www.mallorygrimste.com/selfcarebundle
Coping Skills Crash Course: https://www.mallorygrimste.com/copingskillscrashcourse
YouTube channel: https://www.mallorygrimste.com/youtube
Instagram: @mallorygrimste
Thanks for listening to Reclaim You with Reclaim Therapy!
To learn more about Reclaim Therapy and how to work with a therapist on the team, head to www.reclaimtherapy.org.
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[00:03] Sarah: Hi, there.
[00:03] Sarah: Welcome back to Reclaim You, a podcast published by the Reclaim Therapy team. Have you ever had days when life feels like a roller coaster of stress and anxiety? Have you ever found yourself desperately seeking a way to heal, to rediscover the you that seems lost? And maybe most importantly, do you believe that having a few tricks up your sleeve to deal with life's curveballs can make all the difference? If any of this sounds like your story, then you're in for a treat. Our guest today knows what it's like and even more importantly, how to help. She's a mental health therapist, and her superhero cape is tailored to helping teenagers deal with some of the toughest challenges think self harm, feeling lost, battling anxious thoughts, and navigating the shadowy valleys of depression. She isn't here to throw around big words or complex theories. Nope, she's the real deal. She's all about helping you heal, and she believes that the secret sauce is as simple as learning effective coping skills. So get comfy, grab your earbuds, and let's dive into a conversation that's all.
[01:03] Sarah: About reclaiming your life.
[01:04] Sarah: Coming straight from the cozy state of Connecticut, please welcome our guest today, Mallory Grinstein.
[01:13] Sarah: Hey, Mallory. How you doing?
[01:15] Mallory: Hello. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here and be part of your podcast. Love it.
[01:22] Sarah: Love everything you're you. Thank you. I'm so excited to have you here, too. Mallory and I have known each other for I don't even know how long. Like, a number of, like, a maybe a couple handfuls of I usually when.
[01:38] Mallory: The teens I work with ask me how old I am, I'm always like, old enough. So I'll say we've known each other long enough.
[01:46] Sarah: Yes. And over those years, I've just loved watching Mallory build her business and create content and gathering spaces and conversations for teens and their parents, too, I think that are just so super important and helpful. So I'm just so thrilled to have you here.
[02:05] Mallory: Thank you so much.
[02:06] Sarah: Yeah. And I know that when I was a teen, coping skills, emotions, learning who you are, all of these conversations that you have with folks, I would have so benefited from. So my inner teen is like, see?
[02:19] Mallory: Yes.
[02:21] Sarah: So I think that this is going to be a really wonderful conversation, talking about coping skills and emotions and yeah, therapists love talking about coping skills, so I'm excited to get nitty gritty.
[02:33] Mallory: Yeah, it's interesting because coping skills are such a prominent part of what we do, and yet I never even really heard about them, or specifically until I was out of grad school. And I'm like, this needs to be out there.
[02:49] Sarah: Absolutely. So before we dive into all of that, I'd love to ask you, since the name of our podcast is Reclaim You, what does Reclaim You mean to you?
[03:02] Mallory: Oh, I love this question. So I would definitely say when I hear of reclaim you. I really think it's about going back to your core, like, who you are. And I know we go through different phases and entities, especially in the teenage years of trying on different identities and facets, but really, it's like your core values, the core of who you are, it's going to stay the same. And how can you get back there and align with that intuition and you know, what's best for you, regardless of what other people are saying. You can definitely take that as input and feedback, but ultimately being able to get back to you, what's right for you, your choices. That's what I think of when I hear reclaim you.
[03:49] Sarah: Yeah. Oh, I love that. And I know that a lot of times, intense emotions and really pervasive thoughts can get in the way of all of those things, which is why coping tools are just so important, right?
[04:02] Mallory: Yeah, definitely.
[04:05] Sarah: Yeah. And I think there can be, like you said in grad school, I don't think that we learned how what were coping tools? I don't know. We didn't learn these things. And so when we start talking about them with clients or even folks who are just, like, looking for support in the world, when we say these things, it can be really kind of confusing. There can be a lot of jargon around it. So can you just give us a bird's eye view? Like, what are coping skills? How can they help you? Let's start there.
[04:31] Mallory: Yeah, definitely. And I agree, coping skills is still like, one of those jargony things that if you're not in the mental health world, sometimes people are like, it is getting a little more mainstream. I would love it to be as mainstream as mindfulness and self care. That's my mission. Yeah, it's a key component. But a lot of times when people hear coping skills, they misinterpret it, that it's going to solve the problem, and sometimes it can. But coping skills are really all the things that you are already doing and could be doing to help you hang in there through an intense or uncomfortable emotional experience. So it doesn't necessarily end or change the emotional experience. It can, but its intention is to help you really survive it, which all of us have been doing our whole lives.
[05:22] Sarah: Yes. Surviving. So I'm curious, how would you say, you know, that a coping tool is working for you? Or even if it isn't working for you, then what?
[05:35] Mallory: Yeah, that's a great question. So a lot of the teens that I work with, they come in and they say, coping skills don't work for me. And I'm like, well, that's impossible because you're here talking and breathing.
[05:46] Sarah: You have survived.
[05:47] Mallory: Yes. You have survived. Yeah. And I think a few common mistakes is that people stop that one coping skill and you've got to match it to the intensity of the situation and the problem. It's like, if you have a vehicle that runs on gas, your gas tank has like, X number. Let's say I'm horrible with math and things that may probably not a great metaphor for me to use, but just for easy math, let's say it has like ten gallons in the tank, right? There'd be a tiny car. So if you are running on one gallon of gas in that tank, you still have nine more that you can reach to maximum capacity. So if your situation or your experience is so intense and so uncomfortable and you need to fill up, it's going to take more than one extra gallon of gas or one coping skills to reach that full tank. And so with coping skills we talk a lot about, you need to have usually more than one, and also to match the coping skill or strategy to the situation, you want the right tool for the right circumstances. So if one of your coping skills is playing basketball, it just helps you reregulate and works your nervous system. And you feel good because you feel accomplished because you're like a basketball all summer or whatever. That's a great coping strategy and absolutely is a coping skill, but it's not going to be applicable if you're taking a math test. Most math teachers aren't going to let you stop your math exam, go to the gym, shoot some hoops and then come back and finish the test.
[07:28] Sarah: Yeah, no, it's reminding me of a lot of folks that we work with in our practice are struggling with disordered eating or binge eating or things like that. And you're right, like having the one coping skill, because sometimes binging can be a coping skill, right. But to have more to lean on when you're feeling like, overwhelmingly distressed. So, yeah, matching the skill to the situation, that does feel so important.
[07:50] Mallory: Yeah, and you bring up an excellent point, too. There are a lot of things that can help us cope with therapy. We're trying to give you healthier alternatives and options and it's not a one size fits all. I know for me, for deep breathing, it works wonders for me, but I can't do it silently. My brain just goes wild. So I literally have to make that noise when you breathe out and help me focus.
[08:15] Sarah: Yeah.
[08:16] Mallory: Figuring out what works for you, too, and not just because it works for a therapist or for another client or your friend doesn't mean it's going to work for you. So trial and error a little bit until you figure that out, keep assessing and reassessing because what worked for you, well, in one situation or at one point in your life may not work as well later in life or in a new situation.
[08:40] Sarah: Yeah, totally. What do you think are some little signs or tidbits that a coping skill could be working to support you?
[08:52] Mallory: Yeah. So you probably, in your work, use like, a subscale, a subjective unit subdashruff scale, right? Yeah. And so typically with that, it's where you rate how uncomfortable or in intense an experience is, usually physically, but it can be emotionally. On a zero to ten scale, where I usually do like, ten is like the absolute worst. I'm ready to crawl out of my skin, it's so uncomfortable. And zero is calm, neutral, like, what are you talking about? There's nothing going on here.
[09:25] Sarah: Totally cool.
[09:26] Mallory: Yeah. So I usually recommend, and this is something that I offer in the coping skills crash course as a resource. I have a worksheet and I have a walkthrough video on this as well, on literally targeting and checking in, doing a little mini body scan from like, your head to your toes and just noticing where does it feel most uncomfortable right now? And then once you've located that, and if you can't locate it, that's okay too. That's a sign that's okay. But if you can locate it, rating how uncomfortable or intense that the stress is, or that discomfort on that zero to ten scale, use the coping strategy and check in after that coping skill. So if you're using deep breathing, taking a few deep breaths and then checking in, zero to ten, how uncomfortable or how intense is it now? And the goal is how we know it's working is if it is the same, we've kept it from growing. Done. A success.
[10:27] Sarah: So important. Right? I think we forget that sometimes. Yeah.
[10:32] Mallory: Or if it decreases, which is like ultimate goal. Right. But the whole point of coping skills is to help us because your emotions, they're going to cycle anyway. We don't always stay miserable. We don't always stay happy. We don't always stay angry. It's going to wax and ween anyway. This is just helping us put our seatbelt on for the ride.
[10:56] Sarah: Love that. I love that. Do you feel like there's like a magic number? Because I always think of adding tools to a toolbox.
[11:03] Mallory: I'm like, okay, let's get out your.
[11:04] Sarah: Toolbox of coping skills. What's in there? And a lot of times people are like, I don't know, I don't know. I mean, for a long time I was like, I don't know, it's empty. So how many coping tools to add to the toolbox? Is there a magic number maybe different for everyone?
[11:18] Mallory: Yeah. So when I was training to be a therapist, we had consultation with somebody who was trained in dialectical behavior therapy at a program that I worked at and he drilled into us. And I don't know where the research is on this, but just my own anecdotal research and for myself and others, I found the magic number does line up with six, seven or eight. So having a range, a minimum of six, if you can have a variety of eight, that's even better. But it usually takes using about that many to hang in there until you can get to a more manageable level where you can problem solve from a clearer headspace.
[12:00] Sarah: That's really interesting.
[12:01] Mallory: Yeah.
[12:02] Sarah: And so that really does give you, if you have a go to number of like eight coping skills in your little coping toolbox, it gives you a number to be able to match the coping tool to the situation or whatever overwhelm you're experiencing in different realms of your life. Do you have any tips on how to do that, though? On how to you mentioned it earlier with the math test and the basketball. Right. Makes total sense. What are some other ways, maybe, that folks can match what's going to help them cope to a different situation that they might be experiencing?
[12:31] Mallory: Yeah, I love that question because it's like a great question aligned with all of those, basically. So I'm trained in DBT or dialectical behavior therapy. I'm not technically adherent, so I'm DBT informed. I have to be careful with that, but I use it to inform my practice. It's what I've worked with my whole time being a therapist. And I love the way that they break down coping skills. So in that therapy model, they call them distress tolerance skills, but their coping skills was just rebranded for DBT. What's great about it is that you can differentiate from the four different types of coping skills or distress tolerance skills, how to match the strategy to your situation. So there are distraction strategies. These are really great if you have a sticky thought or feeling that you just can't shake and you just need to kind of create some either physical, mental, emotional space for them. Distraction is amazing for that. There are improving the moment strategies, which are all about mindset and changing how you are experiencing the thing that is happening right now. So these are really great. A few months ago, I got a flat tire while I was bringing a friend home from the hospital. So all of this stuff is very stressful. I couldn't change the circumstances, I couldn't change the situation. But I used my improving the muffin strategies to hang in there while I contacted AAA and they came out and did their thing and all was well. My friend ended up getting to their home healing, right? Yeah. But improve in the moment strategies are really great for those circumstances. Then there are self soothing strategies, which is great whenever your problematic approach to coping with stress is something that's more physically or activated with your nervous system. So this is really great if you struggle with self harm or any sort of eating conditions or something where it is physically activating and uncomfortable. Praise of survival strategies. So these are when you've reached your tipping point. You just need immediate or quick relief or you need to stop it from growing fast. So this is really great if you're struggling with panic attacks or like an extreme, intense depressive episode or angry, angry like you're about to blow. It's also really great if you've already experienced a panic attack or an angry explosion or something like that to help you reregulate and get your nervous system back under control so that then you.
[15:13] Sarah: Can use your thinking mind, your wise mind.
[15:17] Mallory: Yes. Love it.
[15:18] Sarah: I know, right? I have some DBT language sprinkled in there. Yes, that's super helpful. Do you think that you could give us maybe like an example of one or two of those in each category? Each of the four categories that you mentioned?
[15:34] Mallory: Yeah, sure.
[15:35] Sarah: Or even like, your favorite ones?
[15:37] Mallory: Yeah. Oh, they're all like my favorite. That's like asking to choose your favorite child.
[15:43] Sarah: All of them for different reasons, right? Exactly.
[15:47] Mallory: That's a great answer. I think I'll start with the cris survival, because that's just top of mind right now. But one of the things is pace breathing. And a lot of people, when we talk about pacing and breathing, deep breathing, slowing it down, that's great. But another way that you can use pace breathing is especially if you're having a panic attack, part of what is contributing to that is a feeling that you cannot breathe and you cannot control your breathing. So an easier way or a more manageable way to get in control of your breathing if you're trying to slow it down and that's just contributing to more stress, is to actually speed it up and then slow it down. So that's one thing for that category, for improving the moment. I would know the first strategy that they talk about in there is imagery. I am somebody I love guided meditations and visualization. I'm sure everybody knows who Michael Phelps is. He talks about how he personally and professionally uses visualization to win those gold medals. That's a great strategy there is in the self soothing strategies. It's really using any of your five senses or movement. And this is not technically DBT, but I've added in creative expression because that's something that often comes up as a way of self soothing and regulating your nervous system. So there's a variety of ways you could do that. You could do that through dance, you could do that through pacing, stretching, and then in distraction. Let me see. There's so many in there. I would say I'll talk about the comparing strategy because I do think this is one that gets misinterpreted a lot. Especially I vividly remember being in English class and having that Ven diagram of compare and contrast. And yes, it's always comparing to others or comparing to another situation. But that's not really the intention of the comparing strategy. It's really comparing your current experience to your past, previous, and your future. So taking a moment and acknowledging like, okay, I'm here right now, but I haven't always been here, and here's evidence for that. Potentially also remembering like, okay, I'm here right now. And this is great for therapy because sometimes you can feel like you hit a plateau and feel like, oh, my goodness, when is this going to be over? But remembering you're working down that path, you're working down that trail, whatever it is, and you are going somewhere and this is where you're headed to. Yeah, I could talk all these strategies all day.
[18:34] Sarah: All day.
[18:34] Mallory: I could be here for a full 8 hours.
[18:37] Sarah: Well, they're so helpful. They're really helpful. And what about the folks that you work with? You work with primarily teens. How would you say they use this kind of stuff just in their everyday life? Because like I said, my inner teenager needed this stuff. So as an adult, I've had to kind of learn and grow and kind of feed that teenage self all of this information. And I think that's probably true for a lot of our listeners. Very similarly, not having this kind of support on the front end. Now we're doing this work as adults in the world. So even thinking of how the teens are using these type of skills in.
[19:14] Mallory: Their everyday life, I think can be.
[19:15] Sarah: Helpful for adults to say, like, oh, well, yeah, I can do this too. This is important for me, too.
[19:20] Mallory: Yeah, well, it's great that you're mentioning that because while I work primarily with teenagers, I mean, these are not age specific. These are like lifelong strategies. You're going to keep coming back to those. Just like you don't learn how to walk once when you're a toddler and then never used walking mads.
[19:41] Sarah: Or like, roll as a baby. Right?
[19:44] Mallory: Yeah. These are all things that you're foundationally using and building. And so even if you've never worked with a therapist and you've never heard of coping skills or anything, you already have coping strategies. You might not just be intentionally using them or knowing how to name them or talk about them, but you're using them. So that's usually where we start. In my sessions when we're working on coping skills is what have you already used that's already working? And then we go over we call it psychoeducation in therapy, where we're explaining like, this is a strategy, this is what it's called, this is how it can potentially be used. And these are some options. And then we personalize it to that situation. So this is great for having difficult conversations. This comes up all the time with teenagers because they're constantly having to have difficult conversations, whether they are wanting to have it or they are in a position where, like, a parent wants to.
[20:43] Sarah: Have it invited into them. Yes.
[20:47] Mallory: Yeah, that's a nice way of saying that. So being able to use coping strategies before, during, and after an uncomfortable conversation is like, one of the top ways that we see this. I professionally specialize in working with teens who struggle with some really hearty, difficult situations, like dealing with self harm and suicidal thinking. So we definitely use that for this. And we will put this all together on what's called a coping ahead plan where we can recognize what are the potential stressors or emotional vulnerabilities that can contribute to why we would need to use coping skills. That's great because then you can create a plan personal to that. We list out those six to eight options. They're ready to go. And then the rest of a coping ahead plan is like going through, okay, if that didn't work, what's the next step? So we start with the coping skills, and then if that doesn't work, you move on to talking to a safe, responsible adult, not another teenager. We never know what they're going towards. And not an unsafe adult because they exist too. They sure do. So many who's safe and responsible then it just kind of goes from there.
[22:02] Sarah: Yeah. So obviously we can learn coping tools in therapy with our therapist in group settings.
[22:09] Mallory: You run a lot of groups.
[22:13] Sarah: I know that you have resources, right? You have lots of resources about coping skills. You're like the coping skill master. Tell us more about your resources and how else folks can kind of lean into this work if maybe therapy isn't accessible or maybe they're taking a break from therapy, whatever it is, how else can folks kind of access this type of knowledge and learning and practice?
[22:40] Mallory: Yeah, so during the lockdown portion of the pandemic, I know it was tough to get in with a therapist if you weren't already involved with one. And so being a therapist that just wants to help everybody, I was like, how can I make this more accessible? And so at that point, I created what's called the coping skills crash course. I'm probably going to be renaming it because originally it was like a two hour workshop and now it's kind of morphed into more of like a minilesson kind of program. But that program really just walks through all the foundations, all the different coping strategies, how to create a personalized Coping ahead plan. And then we also have monthly live calls where we talk about applying coping skills to certain situations. So, like, in November, we're going to be having a call on coping with families. And then in December, we're going to have a call on coping with overwhelm. So that's one way of doing that. And then I also have the Self Care Bundle, which is a huge library of all sorts of self care resources that people can use because coping skills are absolutely great. I definitely think they are like the meat. But self care is going to keep your maintenance. They got to go hand in hand. And that is a digital resource library of therapists approved and created strategies. I'm the therapist that created them. I know they work. They work. And the great thing about both of these programs is because they're created and intended as guided self help resources, they are not psychotherapy. So it doesn't mean that even though I am a therapist, I'm not your therapist. So it's a great way to work with me without becoming a counseling client and without being restricted by licensing laws. Because as a psychotherapist in the United States, you have to be licensed by a particular state in order to practice with people who are physically there. Even though in this virtual like, you're in Pennsylvania, right?
[24:47] Sarah: Yep.
[24:48] Mallory: Yeah, I'm in Connecticut and we can talk, but if we were doing therapy, we wouldn't be able to do this.
[24:52] Sarah: We wouldn't be able yeah, not on the record.
[24:54] Mallory: Yes.
[24:55] Sarah: Well, that feels so there. Is there anything else about coping tools that you feel like would be helpful to share?
[25:01] Mallory: Yeah, I definitely cannot stress enough that these are lifelong strategies. So definitely take the time to assess and reassess. Is this helping or is this hurting? Is this contributing to the relief that I'm seeking? Or is this contributing to another problem or creating a different problem? And it is totally okay to not do this alone. There are plenty of resources out there. I know you and your team are like, amazing. I've been loving, by the way.
[25:34] Sarah: Thank you.
[25:35] Mallory: Thank you. Location, whatever. I mean, we live in the land of YouTube and Google, that's for sure. So many resources out know they will take you so far. It may take a little more effort because you have to kind of sift through, but there's just so much information out there that know low cost or free exists.
[25:56] Sarah: Speaking of YouTube, why don't you tell everyone about where they can find you and more about your work. And I mean, just like spoiler alert, mallory has a massive YouTube channel that's just like amazing and so helpful. But yeah, tell everyone how to find you, what you've got going on, all that good stuff.
[26:17] Mallory: Yeah, so I do have a YouTube channel. There are over 300 videos on there, so that's what I'm talking about. Like, just me alone. There's a lot of resources, so you definitely find me on there at Mallory Grimste. I have instagram as well. And my website, with every video, there is a blog post. If you prefer to read versus watch, you can definitely click over to there. And my practice is physically located in Whitrich, Connecticut, though I'm licensed to provide psychotherapy with people in New York and Connecticut, we're not quite there yet. We're at Interstate Compact where we can cross states, but those are the locations that I can practice with if people are physically located there. And we offer both in office and telehealth creative options.
[27:06] Sarah: Amazing. Well, I will link to your website and your YouTube channel, Instagram, all of the resources that you mentioned. I'll link to everything in the show notes so that folks can check them out and see what you've got going on. Because you've got so much good stuff out there, I think that people will really benefit from it.
[27:24] Mallory: Thank you so much. And if anybody has questions after this or wants to get in touch with me, please feel free to DM me on Instagram. I will do my best to get back to you. Just keep in mind, Instagram is not sacred therapy, so I can't be like, counseling over Instagram, but I can help direct you to a great therapist if that's what you're looking for.
[27:43] Sarah: Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for coming onto the podcast. So psyched that you were here and just really appreciate your wisdom and all the good work you're doing in the world.
[27:52] Mallory: Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate you as well.
[27:54] Sarah: Thank you. All right, everybody, so we will be back next week with another episode, and until then, take good care of yourself.
[28:04] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim You. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at Reclaim You. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma disordered eating, or body image concerns, head over to our website@claimtherapy.org to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself. Our.
Reclaim therapy provides trauma therapy in Horsham, PA, body image therapy and eating disorder therapy in Pennsylvania.
We provide trauma therapy in Pennsylvania with a specialization in eating disorder treatment and therapy for binge eating disorder, EMDR for trauma and therapy for Complex PTSD in Horsham, PA. We are passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from body shame, diet culture and trauma.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.