Reclaim You- Returning to Movement in Recovery
Episode 38: Returning to Movement in Recovery with Laura
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In this conversation, Sarah and Laura discuss the challenges and strategies of reintroducing movement after engaging in recovery work. They share their personal experiences and the importance of listening to the body and emphasize the importance of finding a supportive and inclusive exercise environment and avoiding shame in the process.
They also discuss the cycles of behavior and the need for flexibility and permission in movement. The conversation concludes with a reminder of the importance of support and patience in the journey of movement recovery.
Takeaways
Reintroducing movement after recovery requires a mindful approach and listening to the body.
Finding a supportive and inclusive exercise environment is crucial for a positive movement experience.
Being curious about cycles of behavior and using recovery tools can help navigate triggers and find a way out.
Flexibility and permission are key in movement, allowing for rest and honoring the body's needs.
Support and patience are essential in the process of movement recovery.
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[00:01] Sarah: Hi there. Welcome to reclaim you, a podcast published by the Reclaim therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea or your favorite snack and get cozy because we're about to dive in Laura's back today, and.
[00:20] Sarah: We are diving back into the conversation.
[00:23] Laura: Around movement, a topic that many people want to talk about. And it comes up often in sessions.
[00:30] Sarah: Yeah, it sure does. This was one that on Instagram folks had said would be helpful to dive into, particularly getting back to the gym or getting back to movement patterns after engaging in recovery work for a period of time because it can still be so triggering and so hard, and eating disorder stuff can seep in so managing it all. I know that in my personal recovery, it's been interesting to navigate movement through different iterations of my life and recovery and all of those things. What about for you? How has it been for you?
[01:07] Laura: It has been all over the place. Right? Movement for me has been a thing of great joy, but for most of my life and my recovery was something that was fraught with triggers and fraught with my own negative self talk and self beliefs and things like that. It's a tricky area.
[01:38] Sarah: Yeah, I don't think we give enough.
[01:40] Laura: Credit to so much is caught up in our bodies, like, beyond just the physical aspects of things. Right. Like that. Physically, we also are carrying psychic wounds and then we're in this diet culture thin, obsessed world and doesn't really make for a welcoming invitation back into movement.
[02:02] Sarah: Yeah, that's for sure. Growing up and throughout college, I played sports, and in college I rode on the crew team. And so I was always doing things. I was always moving my body all the time. So for me, it was so interesting to go from such structured levels of activity throughout high school, then throughout college, to having nothing after college and feeling like, oh, I'm free, I don't have to move my body. But then craving it and it turning on its head sideways with eating disorder stuff and then kind of coming out of it and then reentering in it, turning upside down on its head again with eating disorder stuff and then figuring out some balance, it is really tricky.
[02:44] Laura: I think those who come out of structured backgrounds, often over exercise, compensatory exercise, things like that can come into play. It's really interesting because this is coming out at the same time that a study just came out regarding kids dropping out of sports and things like overuse injuries at young ages and their needs for break. Because I think, as with everything else, we've become this sort of, like, I have to be the best instead of, I can just go out there and have some fun. And I think we talked about that in a previous podcast, like joyful movement versus very rigorous movement that has specific goals in mind, which really can get us in dangerous waters, especially in early recovery. But I think even along the road of recovery, we have to be really mindful of that.
[03:49] Sarah: Yeah, absolutely. Especially in recovery. And I think, really, for anyone, that when you introduce movement, you also have to introduce nourishing yourself differently. Right.
[04:00] Laura: Yes.
[04:00] Sarah: Which can be really tricky in a different iteration of recovery over and over and over again.
[04:05] Laura: Yeah. I've had people who have said to me, oh, my gosh, by the end of the night, I'm just starving, and I feel like I'm starting to binge again at night, or I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm hungry and I want to eat, and we immediately go to, oh, my gosh, I'm falling back into old ways. Right. Or this is some sort of new symptom, but it's, like, adjacent to the symptoms I've had before, when ultimately the simplest explanation is that you need more fuel because you've been moving your body more. Right. And how do we incorporate more into one's daily diet, if you will, instead of being always at a deficit, which we know if you're not getting enough calories, it has really disastrous effects on your health and well being. Not good.
[04:51] Sarah: Right, totally.
[04:53] Laura: And we'll send you right back into eating disorder land.
[04:55] Sarah: Right. It's easy to get right back into that place.
[04:59] Laura: Yeah, for sure.
[05:01] Sarah: So tell us a little bit about how you've navigated it in the past. Coming back to joyful movement or even more structured movement. Tell us a little bit about what it's been like for you.
[05:10] Laura: Well, it's been a journey. Right. So I had to take a break from all movement because movement had become something that was super triggering and would just lead me right back into eating disorder symptoms. So I had to do a full stop, and then I really just focused on healing my relationship with myself and food. Right. So working with my dietitian, and it really wasn't until, my gosh, it must have been the end of the second year of recovery for me. It was late. Right? Not late. I shouldn't even judge it that way. It was further along the process. Right. Because it took that long for me to start to trust myself with food.
[05:50] Sarah: Yeah.
[05:50] Laura: It took that long for me to start to trust myself, period. And so I started to step back in slowly, but as soon as I started to step back in, right away I wanted to go to, I have to structure this. Like, I have to create a schedule and I have to stick by it and I have to log it and I have to wear my smartwatch and make sure that I'm hitting all of my data points. That really wasn't working out because what happened is that I would have maybe one instance where I'd enjoy movement and I was just walking at the time. That's all I was doing outside with my dog, really. And then I would just miss a day and I'd be down on myself and then I'd feel really crappy about it, and then I would kind of get in a funk. I wouldn't want to go out again or I'd go too much. And then I wound up injuring myself. Right. And then I gave myself time to recover. I twisted my ankle, which I'm prone to doing because of previous injuries. So I gave myself time to recover and then I went out again, twisted my ankle again, and this time wrenched my knee, and I wound up in physical therapy. And honestly, that was, in a way, a really wonderful gift for me because physical therapy is one of those things where you really have to learn to listen to your body and you have someone who's there with you every step of the way. Right. And I was really fortunate to work with a physical therapist who was just very safe to be around. There was no type of fat phobic stuff going on there. And so I just started out with rehabbing my knee and I went twice a week as prescribed. I was there for about an hour and I wasn't exercising the whole time. We were doing different exercises to strengthen and the focus was just strengthening different things to heal. And then when they discharged me from physical know, I had a discharge plan we talked about. And, like right away I go into, let me buy all the stuff off Amazon that I'm going to need, let me buy all the tools, let me set up a home gym, let me do this. And then I found that again, I was feeling really down. I was feeling really unmotivated. And so it took a while for me to sort of find my way back. And it really was a lot of soul searching, right? And it was a lot of getting support from others with whom I worked, whether it be therapists, dietitians, or just friends and family, and easing really back into something, right. So the conversation really came back down to that idea of listening to our bodies. I think that's like exercise is embodied, but more often than not in our society, it's disconnected embodiment, if that makes any sense. Right. Push, push, push, push harder. Push faster. Like, even athletes, they go to the sidelines, they're getting ivs, they're getting oxygen, and now that's at a professional level. But we see kids who are having overuse injuries before the age of 13. Right, right. There's just this call to excess, everything. And so I really had to take a step back and take it step by step and take it slow and really listen to my body. And I started off. My husband belonged to a local gym, which was one of these sort of like muscle gyms, if you will. Everyone was there. They're looking in the mirrors. It's all about creating a physique. And I tried to go, and then I couldn't. I felt safe when he was there, sort of, but then I couldn't stay for weightlifting because it was too much. And then we had another gym open up in the area that he decided to join instead because it was near his work. And I thought, well, maybe I'll go with you a couple of times and see. And it was a totally different environment. I walked into that gym, and there were people of all walks of life, all sizes, all shapes, all abilities, and that felt comfortable. There still are too many mirrors everywhere, but that's the nature of a gym or a dance studio or what have you. So I started off with an exercise that I had done every time I went to physical therapy. We started off on the recombinant bike, right? And it was just 10 minutes of warm up, right? So I just thought, let me start here, because I know this. It's not something that is going to tax my body. I know I can do it. It's something I'm comfortable with. And so I started there, and then I started to incorporate some of the different exercises to strengthen my knee further and the rest of my body along with it, because physical therapy is really about the whole making sure everything's working together. And then slowly, I found that I wanted to go, or all of a sudden it was like, all right, come on, let's go for a walk to my dog or something like that. Whereas in the past, that was just not a part of the vocabulary for me because I had to be so shut off from it, because exercise had so many negative connotations about it. And it's been a slow process. I mean, for me, this has been about a year of stepping back into this. And now in terms of this point in my recovery, I've had a lot of years of recovery behind me and still this is where I'm at. But I'm really happy about that. And I'll be honest. And we can get into this a little more. Even now it's not easy. Even now it requires a mindful approach and there are a lot of bumps and falls along the way that I've had to sit with and work through to keep me showing up for myself.
[11:54] Sarah: And you saying the counting and the help markers or the whatevers with the trackers, I feel like that's so important. Just to name that tossing the trackers is such a good idea. Like stomp on them or put them in the trash or give them to someone if you want, it doesn't matter.
[12:12] Laura: But those have your husband accidentally drop it on the floor and it breaks. And then it was a gift. Right?
[12:19] Sarah: That's the case.
[12:19] Laura: That's what happened. He was like, I'm so sorry I broke your apple watch. And I was like, you know what? Thank you.
[12:27] Sarah: It was time.
[12:28] Laura: Toss it in the.
[12:31] Sarah: Because they. It's more numbers, right? It's more numbers. It's a pull towards rigidity and just triggers that you may not even consciously realize. Right. So losing the trackers, great idea.
[12:45] Laura: Yeah, for sure. And they're not accurate either. I mean, that's the other part of it, right. Is like the accuracy of those things. We rely on the trackers on the machines too. Right. When, if you read more about it, those are not accurate counts of caloric burn or anything like that. And at the end of the day, everybody's different. And even packaging when people are looking at calories, aren't very accurate all the time. They have to be within a range. So it strikes me as so interesting that so many of us get caught up in counting calories to the last little bit of whatever we're taking in during the height of our eating disorders or macros or other things like that. And then at the end of the day, what were we really doing with all that? Was it accurate? And it just caused further harm basically with exercise, the tracking. So I really have to incorporate a very mindful approach, as I said. And part of that is and has been taking my time with increasing things. Right. So as I felt I was getting stronger, my first instinct was, let me push it, let me push it, let me push it, let me push it. And I had to really work hard to say, let me stay where I'm at. And then when I'm okay. So today, let's just push it up, like one notch, and let's only do that for part of the workout. And let me tell you, it took everything in my being to not. I'm a perfectionist who's in recovery, right? It was hard, and it has been hard, and it still is hard, but I stuck with it. The other part was listening, just the continual listening to my body like, oh, I'm planning on doing this. This is how much time I'd like to be on whatever today, and listening to my body instead and saying, you know what? It's time for me to stop. And sometimes it's, oh, I feel really good. Maybe I'll do a few more minutes and I'll just see. But more often than not, it's the former of those things, right? Especially in the early days of this. And listening to my body as well, like around illness or strain and making the decision to not go can be really difficult as well. And then to not go and to have a lot of flexibility and permission around not going. And it's amazing that the more I lived into that, the more then I was apt to get up and go again, as opposed to in the past, I would just berate myself for not going and then wonder why I wouldn't want to go again and why I would get in these ruts. People say this all my time, like, I have a gym membership I haven't got. Like, we all have this, right? It's like I'm paying them this much a month, and I never go, and I should go and we should all over ourselves about that. And there's all this shame. And so then exercise becomes associated with shame. Our bodies are associated with shame already in this world in which we live. And that's not joyful movement. That's not how we find joy and movement. Not through berating ourselves, not through shaming ourselves. But it is slow. And I'll be honest, too. Most gyms will have this. They have scales, okay?
[16:07] Sarah: Oh, yeah.
[16:07] Laura: Some of them are out in the open. Others are hidden away. And that has been a challenge for me as well. Is the scale, like, staying away from it? But then there have been a couple of times where I have been like, oh, let me just see, right? This is what I do for a living, all right? I say to my clients all the time, I'm like, I teach this stuff day in and day out. So it's not like you come to therapy for 50 minutes a week and you get that, right? I'm in it all the time. And still I struggle. Right?
[16:43] Sarah: You're walking the walk, right? You're not just talking the talk. It's not like, oh, just avoid it.
[16:47] Laura: Like, oh, it's easy.
[16:48] Sarah: Just walk away. Right. No, it's actually so much harder than that. And more nuanced than that.
[16:54] Laura: Exactly. No matter how much of an quote unquote expert or how far along you are, you might still stumble. And that's part of recovery, is that it's a journey, right? It's part of life, too. We're always seeking this perfect utopia. I always thought, oh, I'm going to be zen. And no, it's not about, I am going to react to things. I'm going to respond to things. I'm going to maybe use symptoms or fall back into old ways. That's inevitable in this life that we live. Because life is hard, right? It's about, then what do I do when that's happening? Do I berate myself, shame myself, isolate myself? Or do I reach out for help? Do I give myself permission to be human? Do I forgive myself? The parts of me rather that feel like there's something to blame? Yeah. So it's not easy. So, yeah, needless to say, that scale a couple of times has gotten the best of me. And to be quite frank, I had come along quite a ways where I felt really strong. Like, I can easily bike now for an hour at a really high level. And I used to bike outside now, so I want to say that too. There's some experience there. My weight lifting. There's no pattern here. It wasn't like, okay, week one, we do this. Week two, we do this. It's like, okay, today, maybe I'll just notch this up five pounds and see how that is. And then I listen. Is this okay? Yeah, it feels pretty okay. How about when I notched up five pounds? I don't do as many reps, right? Like, let's scale that back, see how it is, and eventually work our way. And sometimes you can just stay where you're at and that's okay, too. Yeah, but the scale, I stepped on it and I thought, look, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm going to see a number that makes me really happy, right? Like, that's my eating disorder. And I stepped on it and I was like, what the ****? And for a moment I was like, all of this freaking, like, what the hell? All of the old thoughts and feelings and shame came back.
[19:22] Sarah: It's like the floodgates open.
[19:24] Laura: Oh, my God. It was awful. It was awful. And thank God for the people that I have in my life, especially my husband. And he and I go to the gym together. Separately, though. Like, we do our own thing, but he's there, and it feels safe. And let's go back to remembering what you just said the other day about how good you feel on your body, about how much you're enjoying having more energy and stamina and strength. Let's just stay there, because the scale has been a number in time. And who knows the last time that scale was calibrated, who knows? I mean, there's so many factors. The last time I was weighed was forever a day ago. I'm comparing that to a totally different time in my life and scale.
[20:08] Sarah: Totally different person, right?
[20:11] Laura: Yeah. And who the hell cares? Because, again, that's just a number, right? It's just a number. Just like all the other stuff. So it's been about coming back to myself and saying, okay, let me check in with myself. How do I feel? And I feel freaking amazing, right? I feel like I have so much energy, I want to go move. And now I'm entering into this part of the process where I'm starting to sort of lean into some off limits territories, right, that have been off limits by virtue of just being too triggering. So one of the things that I'm thinking about, okay, and this is where.
[20:51] Sarah: I'm at with it.
[20:52] Laura: I'm just thinking about it, is maybe taking a dance class, right? Anyone who's been in dance knows that dance classes aren't always the most inviting places. They're not safe all the time. I have a history with that. But just thinking about, like, I know someone who's in a class and can vouch for the fact that it's friendly for people in all types of bodies and abilities. But I'm thinking about it, right? And then my dietitian, I might have said this on the last podcast we did around movement. My dietitian was like, just remember, just because you go to one class doesn't mean you have to go to all of. Hear her. I hear her. She said that to me, like, no, she's not whispering.
[21:36] Sarah: She's like screaming, Laura, I know who your dietitian is.
[21:39] Laura: Yeah, we love just. Yes, we do. She's amazing if she's listening. Yeah. So the journey continues, right? It's not like, oh, I'm finally back at the gym. And now it's slow, it's steady, it's the back and forth. And at the end of the day, flexibility. Permission to not go. Permission to rest, getting the rest that you need, fueling yourself in the way that you need to be fueled, getting the support that you need around that, and then finding things that you enjoy doing. I used to walk on the treadmill all the time. I used to run on treadmills, and now the treadmill I found is not, for me, a. I get bored for some reason. The bike's not boring to me because of whatever my thing is, the treadmill is bored. But even more importantly is I noticed when I walk on the treadmill, that's not good for my knee. And I listened to that, and then I talked to my doctor about it, and he was like, don't go on the treadmill. Then he's like, the bike is fine. Or there's other options that aren't going to get your knee all out of whack like that. But listening to the body, all of this work of tuning in that we've done around food, tuning in with our nervous systems, like, where am I at with this? How do I feel with this? Somatically, what's going on? All of that stuff plays a role here as well. And that's why I say to my clients, this comes later in the game, because there's so much prep, there's so much of the before work that has to be in place before we are really equipped to step into this place of movement. And that's okay. And don't give up. You're going to get there. So we just come back to. Let's come back to listening to ourselves. Let's come back to. Okay, you want to try to step into this? What does that look like? Let's support you through that, and let's talk about, are you rationalizing that this is what you need to be doing, or is this really what you want to be doing?
[23:41] Sarah: Yeah, I'm thinking of cycles of behaviors that are often. We can often name those, right. When we're looking at cycles of behaviors that we're engaging in. So, like, intrastrict cycles, even just restriction cycles, purging cycles, exercising cycles. Right. What happens when you get kind of sucked into this cycle of moving your body? Is it predictable? Is it like, I'm going to go to the gym today and I don't feel like it, so then I feel shame, and then I beat myself up, and then same thing next day, or I go to the gym today, it didn't go very well. I didn't feel like I belong. So I then slip into a shame spiral. Right. Those are just a couple of examples, but naming and being curious about your own cycles and how do you know when you're getting sucked into a familiar cycle, right? Like over exercising or being compelled or pulled or hooked into doing some type of movement that doesn't feel right in your body in the here and now and then what comes after, right. So I think it's being really curious and noticing, where am I going that's really familiar? What's the intention behind this? Which is hard to do, hard to slow down and say, yeah, my intention was to just feel better and feel stronger in my body, and now I'm obsessed with power lifting. Right, whatever it is. So just being really curious about those cycles, how you're falling into them and how to use the tools that you've gained throughout recovery to find your way out. You might get sucked back in, but you have tools to find your way.
[25:07] Laura: Out of a cycle and go back to your supports that you've had throughout recovery.
[25:11] Sarah: Right.
[25:11] Laura: Find new supports, if that's helpful. I think it's also important just to note as well, we talked about the idea of making sure we're getting enough fuel the more we step into movement. I think, though, we need to be careful there. That's tricky as well, because then we can get into that tricky place of like, well, I have to earn my food or I need to exercise more today because I had that thing last night and I see it all the time with my clients where they don't even realize and they're getting back into that place. I've caught myself doing it. So it really is, it's coming back to self. I think that's where as well. Continuing the other work that we've done, getting grounded before you go to the gym is really important. Getting yourself in a good headspace, checking in with yourself throughout the time there. I texted you all like a bunch of months ago and I was like, I'm listening to the podcast here, and it provided the grounding that I needed to hear all of your voices. Right. And that's not a shameless plug. That's just what I needed. Right. But if there's some sort of something that you can hold on to, an anchor of some sort to keep you grounded while you're there, then do it. And if it's not the right place for you and you keep going and it's not jiving, then let's talk about maybe we need to find some different way to do this, at least for now.
[26:33] Sarah: And like permission to stop and permission to start again and permission to even get sucked back into some eating disorder stuff and find your way back out. Because like you said, this is an ongoing process. It's not just a cakewalk that you check the boxes and you're done, because there's triggers everywhere, especially when it comes to movement and reentering gyms or classes or environments that are probably going to be filled with diet talk, body talk. Unless you're super lucky and you have a body positive trainer or gym or whatever, there's not a lot of those out there. But yeah, it's okay to kind of notice, like, oh, I'm getting hooked back in. How can I find my way out again and just notice some folks that.
[27:16] Laura: I work with and I myself, my husband is sort of like that safe person, right? He doesn't go with me all the time now because I feel okay on my own. But if you have like minded friends who really get it, who are on their own journeys, even to support each other in that as well as you're stepping back in, I think is important. But, yeah, at the end of the day, I say this all the time. This is hard work. And my clients just keep showing up for themselves. And it's amazing because I know I'm in there with them, right? I know there are some weeks where some of them are like, I ******* never want to come back here again. This is too hard, right? Because I know that, because I've been there, I've been that client. And they keep showing up. They keep showing up. They keep showing up. And there is so much resiliency, so much strength. And sometimes it's really hard for us to see when we're in the midst of it. But all of that is adding up to creating the foundation upon which you can step back into this diet culture world, whether it be at the gym or otherwise, with much more of a sense of confidence in oneself. It is confidence, but it's even more so. It's just like, I am just plugged in. Like, this is who I am and I'm proud of it. And no one can tell me differently. And it can be really amazing and healing, and at other times it's crappy. But you have the tools to get back to where you were. You have the tools to find your way back to recovery again. So don't hesitate to use them.
[28:54] Sarah: Yeah. And just thinking, too, of just seasons of life, right? Some seasons of life in recovery, you're going to be more apt to have the energy, the time, the space to move your body in ways that you love and enjoy. Other times, it's not going to be there, and that's okay. It's like the flexibility to roll with the punches, check in for what feels good, because sometimes it's laying on the couch or reading a book, right? And it's not going out for the walk. And sometimes it is going out for the walk versus sitting down and vegging out. But I think that's the concept of embodiment that you're talking about, that all of the work in recovery leading up to reentering or like increasing movement patterns is doing it in this embodied way that you're in touch, that you're in your body, you're paying attention, that you're honoring, respecting all of those beautiful tools that people develop throughout the recovery process.
[29:45] Laura: And often when I allow myself to rest, I have more energy and to step back into what it is that I was fighting myself over not doing right. It's amazing how many times I'm like, I think I just need to sit. I think I just need to be. And then it's not too much longer. I don't fall victim to that same place of idleness. That's not even the right word. It's a shame cycle, really. Yeah, it's shame I don't fall victim to the same thing. It's like, okay, let's give myself rest. I say this with work as well because, you know, that's. We could do a whole series on work and workaholism.
[30:30] Sarah: If you probably don't want to talk to me about workaholism.
[30:36] Laura: Hey, we're all in our journey. But yeah, sometimes the break is precisely what we need in order to get done what we want to accomplish. And in our world, that's not the language that we're taught. So permission, permission, permission. Grace. Give yourself a lot of grace, a lot of flexibility, and you can practice that whole seasons of life. It can be like, this week is a crazy, busy week. I can give myself permission to move as I'm able, when I'm able, if I have the time and space and I want to, versus trying to fit that into everything else and just stressing myself out more and maybe overdoing it, because I know that was always my tendency is like, oh, well, I only have 20 minutes. I'm going to go hard for 20. And then I wind up with an injury.
[31:28] Sarah: Yeah. Any other thoughts? Tips? Comments?
[31:35] Laura: Support. Support. You're not alone, right? There are many of us out here who get it. So if you want support around that, certainly there are therapists and dietitians who we're in network with, including ourselves, who are here to support people in this journey, but also just to be patient with the process, because it is a process and we can't force healing. It takes time, and you're worth it.
[32:06] Sarah: Beautiful way to end it. Okay. Thanks, Laura.
[32:10] Laura: Yeah, thank you.
[32:12] Sarah: Okay, everybody, we'll be back next week with another episode. So until then, take good care.
[32:18] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of reclaim you. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at reclaim you. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma, disordered eating or body image concerns, head over to our website@www.reclaimtherapy.org, to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself. Our.
Reclaim therapy provides eating disorder therapy in Horsham, Pennsylvania, EMDR Therapy, PTSD Treatment, complex PTSD treatment and grief counseling in Pennsylvania.
We also provide binge eating disorder therapy, and therapy for body image in Horsham, PA.
We’re passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from the impact of trauma, diet culture and body shame.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.